An update on the ongoing, or rather, never stopped, custody battle in which the abuser is successful in removing the child from the safe parent – a message to my daughter “Rose”:

I have written in the past the story of how as the biological mother of my daughter and a survivor of abuse by the man who impregnated me was able to convince family court that he should be primary custodian despite all kinds of evidence of abuse, not just towards me, but towards my older non joint son, towards other women he has been with, towards animals who have been in his care and towards strangers. I have no history of abusing others. I have a son 8 years old than my daughter whom I’ve been raising along side of her and is a well adjusted, successful young man who has a great relationship with both me and his father (who is not abusive).

Somehow this man, the father of my daughter, was able to convince everyone of his innocence in spite of all the evidence and the initial court battle ended with me having to settle for him having 60% physical custody and full legal custody because my attorney refused to go to trial despite the dozens of upstanding community members who were prepared to testify on my behalf. Who INSISTED on testifying on my behalf.

Since then, I attempted to “play the game”- that is, ignore the ongoing harassment, name calling, attempts to distance my daughter from me and her brother, his negligence of my daughter which resulted in some serious injuries and ongoing threats of omnipotence on his part. I “played the game” because I was taught that family court punishes women who bring abuse to light. I was terrified to do anything further. Terrified to admit what was going on. Terrified to admit the past. Or the present.

6 years later, my daughter is speaking up. About the abuse she is suffering at the hands of her father. I don’t feel like I can ignore this. But I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve spoken to lawyers who claim there is nothing to be done. Every lawyer I’ve spoken to so far has stated that either I can go back to painful and abusive mediation with him (and likely continue to lose time) or live with the current circumstances.

After the abuser used all the professionals he knew that knew both of us to slander me and I unluckily broke my foot, the abuser gained an additional day with our daughter. Now I only have 2 days with her per week. Following the mediators decision to not return the day that was supposedly temporarily given to the father as a result of my injury- which has healed a long time since- the mediator made new restrictions on my parenting time. I never went back to mediation.

Part of the reason was that mediating with my abuser for hours at a time twice a month was hurting me emotionally. It was painful, difficult, I cried a lot (only a couple times during the mediation) but it seemed an unfair an unnecessary torture for me. After all, I have to function too. If not just for me, for my children- both of them. Mediation is explicitly NOT recommended for cases in which violence has occurred. Yet there I was.

Many women that I know, mothers- have been completely estranged from their children when the father is an abuser. I look at what’s going on and I see how nearly every institution seems to allow and support this.

I recently stated that I would not participate in a joint conference at my daughters school due to wanting to minimize contact with my abuser. The teacher immediately refused further contact with me and I was sent a somewhat inappropriate letter from the principal of the school telling me that I am trying to inappropriately put the school in the middle of “personal problems”. While I was addressed as Ms. (Last name), in the letter the abuser was addressed by his first name. That did not go unnoticed by me.

My daughter has yet to have her own way to independently communicate with me. I have no idea what her father is telling her on the Sundays that he’s told me not to show up. Or what else he’s saying. In the past, she has told me that he told her that I don’t love her and don’t want to see her when my foot was broken.

How long can she resist the brainwashing? When every institution seems to support his narrative? He is claiming I’m mentally unstable, but I am not. He has been claiming this for many years. It’s been proven untrue. My hope is that in writing this, someday my daughter will see how long and how hard I have been fighting for her.

I now know that what I’ve been experiencing is called “post separation violence” and it’s very calculated and very easy to spot when pointed out:

To my daughter, I am still fighting for you. I have tried so many different things but it seems that no matter what I try, the system is set up for him to “win”. I don’t know what to do right now. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on lawyers who made things worse. Every time I try to go to court or mediate, things get worse. I don’t know if I can try anything else or I’m going to lose our two days a week together now, rather than later if he keeps brainwashing you and you eventually believe him.

Know that your brother loves you. I love you. Your grandparents love you. I have all the information together to give you to prove all of these things. I am scared that our time is limited because the abuser has been validated so many times now, he seems invincible. I hope that you will be more successful fighting him than I have been. I know he tortures you too. Being called names and made to cry and being micromanaged in every way is NOT the behavior of a normal and loving parent.

He is stealing your childhood. And in a way, he’s stolen Kieran’s, also. As he has had to sit by and watch both of us suffer for years now.

Please don’t give up. On yourself or on me. I’m always here for you. Always. Someday soon he can’t control you anymore. I know it will feel like a long time but once you’re 15 or 16, his power will decrease and by the time you’re an adult, he will have no way to control you at all. Unless you continue to let him.

I need to find a way to keep in contact with you. I will look for a way. But you must MUST learn to read and communicate with others. If you don’t, he will keep you locked up and you will suffer more.