The Slow Loss of my Daughter to her Abusive Father

He didn’t want me to have a baby. That’s when it started. He tried to first convince me I was imagining the pregnancy, what purpose that would serve, I don’t know. Then once it was clear, he began to harass and pick at me, hoping I would become so anxious I would have a miscarriage. When that didn’t work, he tried to get to me take drugs and drink. When that didn’t work, he tried to have me committed to a psych unit.

Shortly after that point, I had no choice but to get a harassment restraining order. He called me, texted me, emailed me, showed up places where I went…all day, every day. My obstetrician told me that I was so stressed out by his stalking that I was going to lose the baby unless I got some relief.

I filed for the restraining order, which was granted immediately. And then he had the nerve to challenge it. Dragging me into court to defend my need to not be harassed.

It was absolutely no shock that the baby came a month early. In fact, I was proud that I was able to keep her gestated for that long. I had all kinds of health problems and I was still coming to terms with the trauma of having left and abusive relationship while pregnant. Many people told me to have an abortion. That my life would be hell.

After the way that person controlled every move I made and every aspect of my life, there was no way I was going to let him scare me into a decision like that. My daughter was a wanted baby. We bonded while she was in the womb early on. No way was I going to let this person bully me into aborting her.

I took the risk that maybe he would go quietly. But he did the opposite. He spent those months that I spent trying to have a healthy pregnancy plotting on how to punish me. Namely by taking what he knew I loved the most in this world- my children. Both of them.

He called child protection, claiming that I was beating my autistic son- not his child, by the way. I found out about this later on during the custody battle in which he literally sought to take the baby away from her mother and her brother completely. His stipulation was that I could maybe visit her in a supervised setting. But not her brother, whom she bonded with also during that first year and a half of her life.

He tried everything he could to sever the ties between “his child” and her family. In the end, he achieved moderate success through lying, cheating, and charming the court players. I was forced by my own crooked attorney to settle for no legal custody and 40% physical time with my toddler. It was a huge change for her and she did not react well. She was hurt and angry and confused and violent.

Her brother and I kept showing her love. We loved her back to us. She grew older and began to understand that her father was lying to her about me. He was telling her things like “your mother doesn’t love you” and “your mother doesn’t want to spend more time with you” and “she’s not your mother- the woman I married is your mother”. That is exactly what he told her. I know because she told me and I was horrified.

I eventually made a last attempt to gain more time with her and have some say in medical or school issues- but once again, he lied, he charmed and he convinced third parties that I was an unhealthy parent. This time, I lost another day with her. But I gained the knowledge that court and their minions will only make the situation worse. That I have to work with what I’ve got.

For awhile, I was able to finagle my three parenting days back. Using threats and guilt and sheer determination. But suddenly, after having taken my daughter to the doctor twice for bacterial infections, he felt entitled to snatch the Sundays away again. I don’t know if it’s legal. But I have learned that I can’t force him to hand her over on Sundays.

He seems to have also convinced people at her new school that I’m against education entirely. I’m not sure what he’s said, but they are not at all friendly with me. I have been polite, but it doesn’t matter when you have someone spreading lies so easily.

My fear is that now with only two days a week with my daughter- that she will eventually believe his lies also. She seems to secure in my love for her to believe them but I know how this person wears someone down. I lived with him for only a year before I felt like I was going crazy. I can’t imagine being his child. I worry about her mental health. A lot.

But I’ll never give up on her. Never. And I’ll never stop loving her. It’s a crying shame how an abuser can take something beautiful like a happy family and bonding between mother and daughter and destroy it, with pleasure. To me, there is nothing more evil in this world than hurting children. Nothing. He disgusts me.

I now refuse to engage with him on any level. I will not beg him for time, that only feeds his obsession with me and how he loves to torture me. If I let him, he would go back to contacting me all day long every day again. But I can’t let him harass me anymore. I have a son to raise too. And my own mental health to consider.

I am hoping that he will eventually stop caring, or learn that he will get no reaction from me. I also hope that my daughter will find the strength to speak up about what he is doing to her. Maybe not yet- she’s only 7, but in a few years- people will be forced to listen to her. I hope…I hope…and sometimes hope is what keeps me going. Hope and love.