To Keep Fighting The Abuser or To Give Up

A narrative of personal nature that is also unfortunately affecting many women who choose to leave their abusers with whom they share children.

I didn’t know abuse could manifest in emotional and psychological manipulation until about a decade ago.

I used to think insults, controlling my movements and treating me as a subject or object rather was cruel but not necessarily abuse. I know better now.

I left my abuser while I was pregnant after he tried to have me committed to a psych unit. He did this after I refused to abort the baby, refused to accept his behavior, and started to realize that he was abusing me.

After harassing me in a multitude of ways, including through court throughout the entire pregnancy- I was traumatized.

The baby came early. My greatest fear was that he would take her away and raise her to be like him.

A couple weeks after I had given birth to the baby, he sued me for custody. Thus began a now 9 year long fight to stay in my daughters life.

I also have an older son. He is still a minor, but also he has a different father- a father that generally works with me and has generally put the well-being of our son before any disputes between himself and I. And I have done the same. In fact, we’ve never been to custody court. We’ve worked everything out on our own. My son needs extra attention because he has autism. He has grown and has improved in many ways- such as by learning to verbally speak but he still needs some help.

My daughters father has tried to make things as difficult as possible for me ever since I left him. He even reported me to CPS falsely claiming that I beat my son. The call was screened out and I was never notified until the custody battle. That is just one example of many, many things he has done to make my life as hard as possible.

I believe he enjoys this. He enjoys attempting to torture me. And there is only one explanation for why he would try to take my daughter completely from her mother when he never wanted a child to begin with.

I lived with this man for about a year or so. By the end of that time, I was so traumatized that I could barely function. I can’t imagine what my daughter faces day to day living with him. He has succeeded in making my time with my daughter much less than it should be. He tells her lies about me. He tells her that I don’t love her. That I don’t want to see her.

For a couple years after he successfully took the majority of physical custody via the corruption of family court- my daughter beat me at home. Physically beat me. I was at a loss for what to do. I almost gave up on her. People told me to not give up. I suspected that I couldn’t give up and be able to live with myself so I stuck it out.

The manipulation and harassment from her father has never ceased in these many years. I am in and out of legal situations regarding her- trying to protect her, trying to keep her in my life. Trying to love her. To show her that she is loved. Show her that none of this is her fault.

It’s been 9 years of this. Incessant attempts on his end to fight with me and I am tiring of it. I want peace. I want that time that is spent in battle to work, to raise my son, to do so many things. But I also feel like I can’t give up on my daughter.

But I am weakening. I have been sick for years now. On and off. The battle is taking its toll. I have ignored my own health for so long in favor of the health of my children.

Something needs to change. Because my daughter is now becoming an abuser by proxy. She is cruel to me sometimes. Calls me names, refuses to follow rules, is very disrespectful and entitled. I am certain she lies to third parties on behalf of her father.

I don’t know what to do. If I give up- I think I can recover and live peacefully. I know I cannot stand much abuse from my daughter for very long. Not anymore. It’s killing me. And I have my son to think of.

I have decided to try one last thing. To show her the strength I have and to not tolerate abuse from her. If she is in agreement and will stop abusing me, I will keep fighting to be her mother. If she refuses, I need to choose peace and the child I can still save.