Should My Son Wonder If I Listened…

Update on my son…he’s still at his father’s. I suspect he enjoys not being held accountable there. His father and I have a different opinion on child raising. Mine is that you raise a kid to one day be independent. His is…something else. Over there, my son is on easy street. No chores, no learning how to be independent, nobody championing him about “you can be whoever you want to be- you’ve already done amazing things”.
My son is still a kid really- even though he’s 16, I think he fears adulting. Perhaps he felt (like many do) that the easier road is the better one.
He has to learn on his own that it’s not.
I always fill my house with love and respect and gratitude. I think the thing that keeps him from choosing easy street completely is that he knows in his heart that if it was easy, everyone would do it. And he knows that although I DO believe in consequences and some form of structure- I do it all out of love. It’s much easier to give a man a fish than to teach him how to fish himself. I take the hard road.
He’s not mature enough to understand that. Yet.
Over there, instead of learning from mistakes, he is learning to blame others. Forcing him back here would be a mistake. The best lessons I’ve learned have been from experience. I have given him a solid foundation of right versus wrong as well as having given him tons of love and validation.
I’m currently grappling with the fact that I don’t know when or if he’ll “get it” but either way, I’ve got to take care of myself and Shoshana while he’s in this state. I’m going through a blue spell, of course. This has all come as a shock. I figure I take one day at a time and give myself space to feel sad or whatever while I also work on healing.
My hope is that in the next couple weeks- I’ll be on track to dealing with things that just feel exhausting right now.
I’ve been told several times that teenagers can be quite brutal. In addition- I don’t know how common this is- but my son has admitted to me that he’s been lying quite a bit.
I was never much of a liar myself- even during teenage years- I was honest- to a fault maybe. Did I rebel? Depends on who you ask. For me, I grew up without structure or a parent around. Not one who was particularly kind. I grew up on my own. And I became independent quickly. Out of necessity. Nobody stopped me. But the way I did it was by focusing on my future and taking school seriously. Getting a full time job so that I could support myself. While I was in school and on the honor roll. I was fully moved out and totally on my own by age 17.
And I never looked back. I forgave my parents their absence and impatience but I didn’t forget it. That’s why I still do speak to them- I never stopped- but I eventually learned that they couldn’t give me love or encouragement. So I stopped expecting or hoping for that from them.
It did catch up to me later in life though when I thought toxic relationships were normal.
I do think that I raised Kieran in the opposite way. I showered him with love and attention. I wasn’t perfect. Good example is getting involved with Shoshana’s father. But I didn’t know the guy would turn out how he did.
I know now that this did hurt my son more than I knew. Because I read his psychology and school notes. I was looking to find out how he really felt. I had thought that I had addressed this with him both through therapy and by talking to him about it. But maybe it wasn’t fully resolved. It sure didn’t help how Shoshana’s father dragged us through two years of family court and that hurt me more than the actual relationship.
But at the same time- I also vowed not to get serious about another man again until the kids are raised OR I’ve known the guy for years. Inside and out. No doubts. So I’ve been pretty much single for 9 years now. Never letting another guy hang around my kids much.
Writing is how I process things.
So- even though Kieran is currently claiming that I have caused his problems- directly caused them- I know it’s more than that. And according to his own words- yes that relationship and its aftermath was harmful BUT he didn’t acknowledge it until after he was attacked by that awful bigot in school.
So I kind of understand now where Kieran might be at. He’s confused. He needs to work through some things. It’s not helpful for him to have someone whispering in his ear that it’s all me. Because it’s not. It only confuses him more.
Anyways- the most important thing I think I need to do know is continue to care for Shoshana, take better care of myself and use this time wisely. The whole thing just blew up last week. Of course I’m not over it yet. But I will go on. The tiredness will fade I hope.