To go in or not to go in? That is the question.

A letter to a friend:

This is exactly my thought. I stopped the testosterone and my blood pressure has been completely normal for several days. I haven’t had any of those symptoms- like that horrible headache.
The only reason to go in would be to check if I actually had a stroke via CT or MRI, get my cholesterol down asap- even if that means going on a statin- and I’m not entirely sure either of these things are enough to constitute an emergency. Urgent- sort of. Based on my research- it’s most likely I had a transient ischemic attack- which doesn’t leave any images or damage BUT is a very high predictor of having a full stroke within the year.
BUT- how likely is it for me to have a stroke if one of the essential pieces is currently missing? The blood pressure. My blood pressure remains good. Not just normal- good.
Like you- I don’t bother to clear things with a provider when I know what must be done. I didn’t notify that jerk from NK about any of this. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a quack anyways. He actually told me to eat full fat butter every day to LOWER my cholesterol. What kind of crazy ass nonsense is that?!
Anyways, any sort of cardiac situation like I experienced couldn’t have happened without the high cholesterol- so really that’s probably the most important factor right now. It’s been a week. Surely if I had organ damage- I wouldn’t be feeling better than I was in the weeks preceding the incident.
I did read that it’s important to confirm stroke or no stroke. And unfortunately I definitely had the blood pressure high enough for it, along with the headache from hell, mental status changes, some confusion….
I asked you because you are not only a reasonable person but also skeptical but also willing to use medication when it’s necessary. I’m like that too.
Too many people are either not skeptical enough or refuse to take anything at all. Whereas I know both of us prefer to avoid what we can but we also weigh the pros and cons.
I was influenced too much by my panicky state I was in- and of course- I wasn’t in my right mind- but I let people talk me into the ER- which I knew to be a mistake and it was confirmed when I got there.
Based on what I read- they should have kept me. They really really should have. But in my experience, doctors and nurses- simply cannot be trusted. I only ended up in this situation because a provider failed to inform me of the blood pressure risk- a potentially fatal mistake. Not only that- but he should have taken the cholesterol seriously too. And this is a NK provider!
If I had a primary provider that I trusted- I wouldn’t even be considering urgent anything. But I don’t. They have the equipment. But I also cannot bring myself to go.
I do have an appointment with a random PA today- I think my focus will be on the blood work. I am not even sure if I should tell her about last week at the risk of her going hysterical and sending me straight back to the damned hospital. Hospital waiting room to be more precise.
But this place that I went to when I had my stomach problems- they were competent, they were efficient, they were kind- they were classic providers. I trust them.
But there are so many potential tests and also the possibility that I’ll end up being admitted. That’s what’s truly keeping me from going. Probably I have already solved the immediate problem but what if I’m wrong? What if I did have a stroke? They usually only have that type of equipment at an ER.
I have enlisted the help of my son. Maybe it’s inappropriate but I don’t care because I know I can’t bring myself to go otherwise.
Maybe I will tell this provider what happened but keep the focus on managing stuff from home. I’ll just be honest about my reluctance to go in.
Or my son has agreed to hold me accountable and come with me.
It could save my life and I know these kids still need me.
Okay…so I’m still stuck. I know in my gut I should get checked. Maybe it doesn’t need to happen today but it has to happen soon. If it was an actual stroke- the chances of having a second one and soon are high enough that I shouldn’t risk not getting checked.
My son will have to drag me there. Because I isolate and trust few people. I think it maybe a good thing for him to see me doing something I don’t want to do because he is also not doing things he knows he should do and rationalizing it away.
I broke through to him last night.
He’s been isolating and refusing to make any attempt to make friends and he’s miserable as a result. It’s from the trauma he experienced. Plus that rigid thinking.
But I can be very persuasive when I need to be and I think I succeeded but it will take more than one pep talk to pull him out of his now habitual isolation. Self imposed. He’s a people pleaser like me. He learns from modeling behavior and I accidentally showed him to put everyone else first at the risk of his own health and happiness. I realized that last year and have been trying to be a better role model since.
Thanks for being here for me. You have no idea how much I appreciate the few people that I do feel comfortable opening up to.