Exist or live?

When your time could come today, tomorrow or maybe a year…

One thing I’ve always tried to do is a live a life that I wouldn’t regret. Or rather- make decisions I could live with, ethically. That has likely harmed my physical health but has strengthened my spirit and my emotional health. Now the question remains- will my spiritual and emotional strength be able to withstand the injuries to my body?
Not just withstand but thrive?
There is one thing I know- I have very few regrets. And the ones I have are things that I didn’t have any control over at the time. I have done my absolute best to do right by my children always. To fight injustices. Sure- I wish I hadn’t been so terrified of my daughters father for so long- but trauma will do that to a person. It’s amazing that I continued to fight through my fear. And my daughter- she’s going to be okay. If I hadn’t fought- I don’t think she would have been. My son- I’ve been fighting for his ability to get care for his autism for well over a decade, also- and I am confident he will be okay- more than okay.
I’ve given both my kids the solid foundation that I never had. That was one of the biggest goals I have ever had as a person. To right the wrongs done to me as a child by raising my own children in the opposite way I was raised.
My writing- it’s all over the place. Literally. I have completed short stories, beginnings of books, and many, many a blog post.
It’s almost worse not knowing what’s going to happen. Because now I can’t decide how best to spend my time.
I have already decided quite abruptly to not waste a moment on people who I can’t avoid but won’t change the way they treat me. I have told a couple of individuals the things I wanted to say when I didn’t think I’d make it through the night. I can’t and won’t retract those statements because they’re true and I had to get them off my chest.
But that also means potential consequences later- if there IS a later- that is.
I’m trying to be logical about all this. I would think that someone unsure of what time they have remaining and what feels like insurmountable odds of changing (a lot of things and quickly)…I would prefer to live to the fullest NOW.
And perhaps that is the best course of action. Maybe it will somehow help me physically. But again, this is me choosing to live rather than exist.