Stream of consciousness post on cocaine use at the age of…too old in my opinion.

You just never know about what people have going on that are truly shocking…to me anyways. I probably have what is now, upon consideration, an extremely boring life. Thats my goal, anyways. Seems like I have mostly succeeded.

Maybe 2 or 3 years ago- I discovered someone around my age that I’m acquainted with- is actually still using cocaine! Like- WHO has the money, utter lack of fear of cardiac arrest (guy is like 40!), and time. It’s the sort of thing that was not even healthy as a young person.
And expensive! Okay so this post was originally going to be elsewhere but I really needed to write it all and identify how I know this person.

Younger brother. With a family! Kids younger than mine. But still- how does he find the time to hide it?? I wonder if the kids have any clue? I think I recall now that his wife definitely knew and did not approve- of course! I can’t even imagine how much cocaine costs now- inflation, he was probably doing it enough so that it was a problem, he’s in his 40s…and here I am worrying about my cholesterol- which is genetically pretty high (from my mother side) so I’m mostly avoiding any heart problems- as often as possible.

What sort of adult is out there…abusing cocaine or meth even- with a job- a career even, a family, young kids. I truly can’t imagine. It sounds miserable. Cocaine- sure I’ve tried it. Liked it. 25 years ago. Sure it was great a few times only, well before I started thinking about things like “LDL cholesterol”.

I’m not being judgmental…maybe there are people who are using cocaine (or meth) on a regular basis and have families and are doing fine?

I just remember from my “partying days” that most of the harder stuff was insomnia inducing, sleep depriving, sometimes paranoia brining, definitely addictive and actually when grew out or away from that sort of thing- I think I recall feeling better without it.

I actually did spend about a year, maybe a year and a half- as a teenager and partying too much.

Was I addicted to something? Yes I totally was and it’s kind of embarrassing now but I was sooo much younger. Almost 30 years ago now! When I stopped using speed- which I used regularly for maybe a year or so- I was NOT happy about it. I didn’t give up voluntarily. It took me maybe a couple months to accept that the guy who was selling it- the ONLY guy who was selling it- retired from drug dealing or something. So myself and my 3 other friends were all sort of forced to quit cold turkey. I got super involved with my grades and classes…and met a new boyfriend who was really interesting. I moved on fairly easily after that first month of misery.

I was I think 15 years old the last time I used that stuff. I’ve only tried cocaine a few times in my life. It makes me feel great for about 5 minutes and then anxious for…until I eventually fall asleep. I never bought it myself.

I had to get this off my chest after I found a mysterious baggie of white substance on the floor of my garage today. I was like “wow- this looks TOTALLY like drugs” but also I couldn’t help thinking it had to be some kind of mistake or gag. But after looking at it and yes- I was so curious I tasted it. I am almost certain it’s real. I have some idea of who I suspect dropped it…how else?? I think I laughed out loud when I found it. I was like “seriously??” Hahahaha! No way!

How shocked I was. I had completely forgotten about “recreational drugs”.
So weird because I was up to my elbows detoxing people only a couple years ago as an RN. But they were almost all on fentanyl. Which I have only been familiar with as a patch. For pain. Rarely used. When I worked at the hospital, like 18 years ago.

When I was dating maybe 4 years ago- this guy I was seeing was a daily marijuana smoker. I wasn’t into it but it was pretty infrequent. Turns out he was a “recovering alcoholic” who it also turns out was actually not really recovering because he was what we call a “dry drunk”.
Anyways- I think he got most of his weed legally anyways.
He only smoked like once or twice a day. Unlike the previous boyfriend who smoked like it was going out of style and man, was he lazy!
So I guess probably that’s the type of person who has the time and energy and whatnot for actual drugs- the powdered kind especially…people who have extra time.
I’m almost jealous. I know I could just forget about my goals, hobbies, things that give me joy, etc and instead, decide to be more sleep deprived, definitely at a way way higher risk of heart attack- I mean- it wouldn’t even be a question of “if”- it would be “okay…depending on the drug- this is a suicide habit”.

I never processed how shocked I was to find out my brother who is like no more than 16 months my junior- STILL uses cocaine! And finding this baggie of what I’m pretty sure is actual crystal meth today…brought those recent memories of finding out my brother has a cocaine problem- and has had one apparently for some time- that all came to the surface.

He has kids- little kids! And a wife! And a nice house. And cars. Not one car, multiple cars. In good working condition.
He’s like 41! What is he thinking?!
In fact- I’m pretty sure he was high when I saw him last year. Wasn’t sure on what but that was my suspicion. He wasn’t drunk and was saying some super weird shit.
THIS is only one of the MANY MANY reasons why I don’t go to family get togethers anymore. Tip of the iceberg.

I’m a little annoyed actually with him and anyone else my age who’s on real drugs- not weed- drugs drugs and they’re fine. For now, I guess. I just don’t get it.

Here’s me…like car is falling apart, I fix all my own stuff, I have all these hobbies….havent even thought about drugs. Sure- I drink alcohol but not a lot. I even get the stuff that’s like “diabetic alcohol”!

So I guess what I’m saying is that I fully better outlive him now. if someone is over 40 years old, using cocaine (and alcohol) regularly- I highly doubt he’s watching his sugar intake and eating oatmeal and taking omega 3 supplements. How is he still alive?!

I remember his wife nearly divorced him over the drugs.

All I can think is- I don’t have an empty spot where I feel like I could fill with cocaine. Or even alcohol. Or running away from my current life. Am I somewhat miserable? Yeah. But part of it is from insomnia and feeling tired- things that drugs would only exasperate. My addiction- super boring- is weed wacking and taking care of the yard. I should say my favorite current addiction. I have others- most equally boring and tame.

Mostly I avoid writing about what I want to write about because it’s too depressing right now. And I just can’t. So it’s better to write about other stuff than not write at all, I’ve decided. So that’s my take on using cocaine or meth regularly after the age of say…21.

I can’t imagine it! But I don’t pity these people. Well, maybe a tiny bit. But from what I remember from using speed as a teenager- it wasn’t all that great when I didn’t have responsibilities, my head more together, etc. It was fun sometimes but other times- it was awful. The not sleeping for days and then crashing for days. And yeah I was definitely expensive and kind of pointless…now that I think about it. There were so many other things I was interested in. Sure- I’ll never forget how I was suddenly forced to quit. And how desperately I tried to find a new dealer but now I’m really glad I couldn’t stay on it.

Other people- they started using other drugs. I sort of lost touch with those friends once we no longer had the speed in common. One friend I had- we were able to have fun no matter what. One friend got into heroin and I have no idea what ever happened to her. The third friend- moved to California and started drinking entirely too much. She eventually quit entirely. Went to law school.

But turns out there’s people out there still using cocaine 30 years later. Where do you even find that? I was looking- but not hard- just asked around maybe 10 years ago for mushrooms. The magic kind. Didn’t find any, and really I sort of forgot about it. I don’t even know that I’d eat them now. Unless I was on an extended vacation- maybe. No kids, no witnesses.

The guy I suspect dropped this assumed meth- is my age too. How is he not having a heart attack?? Maybe I worry too much about my own health. Maybe I still have some stimulant drug days left…well- it wouldn’t matter because I doubt I could enjoy it now. The desire is also not present. More like an avoidance feeling.

I’m particularly annoyed by people my age seemingly using actually dangerous substances…and they seem- fine! Seems unfair. Here I am- cholesterol over 300 and I can’t even have candy. I exercise most days. I watch everything I eat. And I maybe had a stroke three weeks ago. That’s bullshit. Maybe stress over time is just as bad or even worse than cocaine use??

Yikes. That’s food for thought.