Just so fucked I can’t even Quantify it

I am not sure what I did in a past or current life to justify this level of hell. I cannot even describe my current experience as purgatory or anything that is not constant torture.

Every moment of my life is filled with excruciating and needling pain. There are brief moments of joy. Those are the moments that I live for.

I do not live for those moments alone. I mostly live to be an example of perseverance and his mother to the best daughter. A mom could ever hope for.

My daughter is everything to me. She is brilliant. She is amazing. She is so kind she has boundless potential. If she was in charge of running this world, all the problems would be solved within a month at the most.

And on top of being brilliant and smart, she has also extremely funny. I share her sense of humor, and I am grateful for it. I almost bought her a stupid knock, knock joke book, and decided against it because she could come up with better shit.

And last, but not least she is a drop dead tall knockout who will be extremely gorgeous and well rounded woman. Certainly a woman to contend with.

I do admit, I was nervous about having a daughter, but now I realize that it’s one of life’s greatest joys. She has given me so much happiness already that I would repay her 1 million times over and it wouldn’t be enough.

I love her. I love her to the bottom of my feet and through every fiber of my being and down to the deepest marrows of my bones. She is so precious to me and I think about her all the time.

I know how hard it is for her and myself to be separated. But I have been sick and I do need to rest. Really rest maybe even go get fluids. There have been environmental allergens that have contributed or even caused the problem.

I have been running a fever of at least 99.5 Fahrenheit daily for the past two months. This whole time I have also been experiencing rashes throughout my body. The rashes have gotten to be nearly intolerable. Some areas of my skin are so painful that I cannot even touch them.

Right now, I live in the house that is owned by my parents and I think the intention was that I would inherit the house. I was not here for the purchasing or the inspection and I am starting to wonder what my parents were thinking. In terms of square footage this place is good, but the actual living quarters are entirely uninhabitable for any human and probably most animals too.

Should I die in this cursed house I would like for people to know that I made many efforts to escape this prison and also that- perhaps daggers may not be choosers, but maybe there can be some gray area there. Just because I have been through some difficult times I don’t think that means that I should be condemned to a slow and painful death by insect infestation and to also standby and watch as all of my personal belongings and my children and pets are also systematically slowly murdered. I just don’t think that the crime of begging quite deserves punishment, especially when there was no begging involved.

Damn, I hope somebody reaches at some point and by somebody I mean, at least my daughter.

I am currently on crisis watch and am supposed to be sleeping within the next hour. If that doesn’t happen, I have been told to call back.

I did seal many areas of the ventilation system in the house today. Maybe I’m wrong but what can you expect from somebody who slept maybe at most one hour last night and cannot really expect to sleep very much tonight considering the increasingly severe allergy that is developing systematically on my body and will eventually kill me if I do not leave this environment.

The challenge is to get the cats safety also. The owner of one of the cats is refusing to care for her. This person is also my teenage son. I will not lie. I am extremely disappointed in his lack of empathy for another living being. It scares me. I do not understand. I do not think I am capable of understanding. To standby and watch a kind and gentle animal suffer when there is something I could do to make it stop, but I don’t do anything. Seems really weird and I just don’t understand it.