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Head Lice is a Public Health Emergency

My Perspective of the Current Lice Epidemic as a Public Health Specialist:

I have more than a personal interest in how to eliminate lice from my family and home. The more I learn and the more experience I gain, the more layered and confounding it becomes.

So I found out last night that my daughter hasn’t been checked for lice again in like weeks or a month even. It’s really hard to see them in thick, long hair and even in short hair. They are fast and they hide. So attempts (on my part for example) to check my daughter are just not reliable.
Daughters father is aware that I’ve been having to treat for lice regularly since this started. So she’s been exposed for sure by me and also very likely at school where she probably got it initially.
Getting rid of these parasites has become like a challenging puzzle. I keep finding more pieces. First of all- the internet is completely unreliable for information. And so are most medical providers. AND many of the “lice removal specialists” who are not licensed or formally trained. The one I met was clearly a businesswoman capitalizing on the whole situation.
If I was to invest in a company right now- absolutely it would be “lice removal specialist” because since the CDC and some other medical organizations have defunded these parasites- people do not know what to do and are often even TOLD to try a “lice clinic”.
I’m not saying they’re all bogus. But I’ve looked into a few of them and some of their “research practices” based on “science” is not only contradictory to their claims but also at least 15 years outdated.
Many of these lice clinics also provide advice that I’ve found to be totally bogus like “there is no need to do any laundry or even change bedding”. That’s ridiculous. But it’s very appealing to people who would rather not do that stuff. They want to pay someone to temporarily (maybe) get rid of the lice and simultaneously never have to think about it again. It would be tempting.
My personal experience, which I have proven through at least one video, is that lice ARE capable of living off the head, albeit maybe not for longer than a few days. However, I have seen them on flat surfaces- in this case- a bathtub with a shower. Not only seen them, but seen them clearly crawling. Not immediately after I left the shower either. Two entire days after I had last used that shower.

Some lice facts:

They can crawl on carpet at approximately 9 inches per minute.

They cannot “survive” on pet hair or pets. HOWEVER, they can grab onto pet hair and be transported to other areas.

Pets and other inanimate objects that can temporarily transfer diseases are called “fomites”.

Fomites for lice include any surface but are especially common on clothing, carpets, bedding, pretty much any fabric.

Lice can also remain alive on hard surfaces like eyeglasses or a countertop but will have a much more difficult time moving about.

Lice can hold their breath. For more than 8 hours. They do require air to live so suffocating them requires and entirely airless and sealed environment.

Lice hide from light. They will and can crawl onto clothing, bedding, facial hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or any nearby surface for temporary hiding.

Many sources claim that lice are merely a “nuisance” and not a medical condition. This claim is particularly nonsensical because they often require medications to treat, manage symptoms that lice cause such as itching, headaches, dehydration, scalp irritation and in some cases, iron deficiency anemia.

Lice are claimed both to be parasites that can only live on the human scalp yet also “an environmental problem” that has no medical value. So which is it?

Human lice only drink the blood of humans, without a live human host, human head lice will die. How is that an “environmental” problem?

The American Pediculosis Society has expressed quite a bit of concern over this issue. They predict that body lice- the very similarly structured lice who DO transmit many lethal diseases- have become more common and that the rampant cases of head lice will most certainly evolve into body lice- which causes such diseases the likes of which we haven’t seen since World War I. Trench Fever, also known as typhus and other diseases.

Most medical professionals including doctors, pediatricians and others no longer even know what a louse looks like. They also do not know how to examine the scalp for one. I had this happen to me more than once. They are hard to see if they are not fully grown and about to die. They can live for about one month on the scalp before dying of “natural causes”. By that time- they are visible to the naked eye.

The majority of lice are much smaller. Many photos on the internet show extremely severe infections of many, many adult lice. This fuels the perception that lice are easy to see.

Lice are also able to camouflage their color to match their hosts hair in order to avoid detection. No wonder they are so hard to find! They are small, they blend in, they swiftly hide when alerted to the presence of potential danger and many people don’t even know what they look like.

Studies on lice are absolutely essential to keep up with the rapid evolution of lice and their alarming rate of people they are infecting. We don’t even have a current estimate of how many people have lice anymore. I did read an article written within the last 5 years that estimated 25% of all children aged 13 and younger have a current and active lice infection. If this is the case- 25% or more children not only have lice, but are contagious. Combine this with the difficulty in treating lice, the lack of accurate information about them and we have the makings of an eventual super epidemic that will be more than a “nuisance” to people who are at greater risk of disease and complications.

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So I Continue to Pretend My Life Will Never End

The Story of my Teenage Son, His Autism and the Consequences of Getting Involved with an Abuser

My son is nearly 17 years old. Up until about 4 months ago- I took care of all his needs. I’m a single mom. A single mom who has, over the years, sacrificed my own health in favor of keeping financial stability as much as possible and always putting my kids first.

My son has autism. Sure, it’s a spectrum. When he was diagnosed- it had been clear as day that something was different about him. He didn’t speak. He communicated through pointing, gestures and tantrums. He beat me up pretty regularly as a toddler and preschooler. Usually I think he would do that out of frustration. It was hard not to take it personally.

My son didn’t speak a word until age 6. Before that- I had to be his full time case manager and mother too. He has a father. A father who repeatedly refused to help me in any way. The only time the father would help was to take our son on weekends. So I would work double shifts Saturday and Sunday to pay the bills. I was so exhausted…sometimes I actually fell asleep just sitting at a table.

His appointments and treatment were so in depth and time consuming- I actually wasn’t even able to get him to all of them. Mostly because he was exhausted by the end of each day of autism treatment, speech therapy, occupational therapy and my attempts to make his life somewhat better by attempting to treat him not just as a patient but as my child.

Since I am a registered nurse- I was able to live modestly and provide my son with entertainment. I never imagined the eventual cost would be a severe decline in my own health.

Every year, I bought season passes to Valleyfair- a nearby amusement park with all the roller coasters and rides one could imagine. I took him there at least once a week. I also took him swimming regularly and took him on play dates. Usually with other kids who had some sort of developmental issue. I’m enrolled him in swimming classes and when those people couldn’t handle his violent behavior- I took it upon myself to teach him to swim.

He had medical needs that resulted from his autism. He was very picky about what he would eat. I could count on one hand the foods he would eat. Taking him to a doctor or dentist was always guaranteed to end up with me being physically assaulted but I couldn’t very well not take care of him. Brushing his teeth was a nightmare. I would have to sit on top of him and hold him down to brush his teeth. Every day.

He did not like to defecate for some reason. So I had to keep track of this also. Surely- he had some dehydration that didn’t help and his diet was not exactly rich in fiber. At times, I would have to give him an enema or even take him to the emergency room because he wouldn’t have bowel movements.

I also volunteered frequently as soon as he was in kindergarten. I would come in a couple times each week to help school staff. The first elementary school he went to was not following his needs. Plus he was being physically bullied by other kids. I tried first to resolve the problem with the school but they were not cooperative. I was outright told “we don’t have the staff to accommodate your son”.

I had to pull him out of school. This ended up happening several times over the years.

However, on this particular occasion, I had been in an intimate relationship- partly out of desperation for help with my son. Okay, most out of desperation. The man I was dating and living with- claimed that he would help me. He sort of did I guess but it ended up not being worth it since it turned out that I was clearly vulnerable to unsavory characters and my desperation was so potent, I think I maybe even excreted it as a scent.

The person I had become involved with was abusive in a way I didn’t understand or recognize for some months. He mostly put me down subtly, criticized nearly everything I did, isolated me from my friends and family, and often told me things that were designed to create self doubt. Yes, he did physically assault me on one occasion. There was no mistaking being thrown to the ground during an argument. After he did that, he knew he had gone too far because I locked myself in the bathroom for hours after that and told him to leave.

He did not repeat that physical assault. He did, however, continue and increase his verbal abuse. All this occurred within the first 6-9 months of dating him. At about the 6 month mark- I began to seriously consider ending the relationship. But I was mixed up emotionally and mentally. He had successfully broken me down to some degree. I am sometimes conflict avoidant and that didn’t help the situation.

I ended up thinking “okay maybe couples therapy will help” and also “but my son has become attached to this guy”. I asked my son if he liked the guy and my son said he did. I think if my son had been honest with me then, I would have certainly broken it off. But since I thought my son liked the guy and my son had had such a rough time with his life, I decided to propose couples therapy rather than simply having the guy move out.

Couples therapy confirmed my instincts that there was no way the relationship could work. The guy (I hesitate to refer to him as a man since he behaves like a small child) blamed me for absolutely everything and had no interest in improving communication, being cooperative with me or admitting any sort of fault on his part. The therapist even pulled me aside after a few sessions and told me that the guy was abusive and couples therapy simply doesn’t work when one party is abusive.

I was depressed at this time. Functional still but depressed. I avoided the guy as much as possible. I had him sleep in another room and stayed away from home as much as I could. In retrospect, this must have been very stressful for my son.

During this time, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage in the early stages. The “father” told me and everyone he knew- including my family members (in secret) that I had imagined the pregnancy. I was not aware of his telling people that I was basically hallucinating and very mentally unstable until much later. I was shocked that he could deny that I had been pregnant. This contributed quite a bit to my feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. I eventually talked myself into a psych unit despite not being suicidal or otherwise unbalanced. Aside from my anxiety and depression, that is. I went there to escape the boyfriend. I was also stressed out at my job. And mourning the loss of the pregnancy. I blamed myself, of course.

Things started to become unbearable when I became pregnant again and this guy tried everything in the book to get me to have an abortion. He pressured me. He tried to get me to drink and take drugs. He harassed me at all hours. I briefly harbored some belief that given the pregnancy- and facing being a single mom again with one child who had complex developmental needs and a second baby with a man who treated me horribly- that maybe things could miraculously change.

That belief was crushed within weeks. He became more cruel. He would make messes and refuse to acknowledge or clean them up. He insulted me all the time. He yelled at me often. He called me names. He continued to tell others (and me) that I was very mentally unstable.

The peak of this nightmare was when this guy realized that I didn’t want to have an abortion and no amount of pressure would change that. So he increased his efforts in portraying me as so mentally unstable that I shouldn’t be outside of a psychiatric unit. I also had finally realized that I was having this baby alone and could no longer tolerate this guys presence.

I told him that if things didn’t change immediately- I would end the relationship and he should leave my home. His response was to carefully plan to have me psychiatrically committed. He visited therapists to find out how to make that happen and he got his information. Information he would be using very shortly.

One night, after only a little more than a year into this relationship, I told him to get out of my home and leave me alone. He said that I was mentally unstable and that he would have me put in a psychiatric unit if I broke up with him. I said “whatever- just get out and hand over the keys”. My son did not witness this interaction but he did witness the act of abuse that followed about a half hour later.

This guy followed through on his threat. He called the police and told them I was pregnant, “off my medications”, suicidal, bipolar and a threat to myself and others. At this time, I didn’t know about police “welfare checks”. I had never had that happen before. So when two police officers showed up at my door, I told them I had done nothing and wanted to go to bed. It was nearly 10 at night and I was exhausted. The police refused to leave and barged into my home against my will.

My son woke up and witnessed me crying out of frustration and confusion and two police officers barraging me with personal questions about my health and also implying that I was insane. It took me a few minutes to figure out what had happened. I first had to calm down and speak to the officers with logic. I told them what had happened. How my now ex boyfriend had threatened to have me put in a psych unit if I broke up with him. I confirmed that I was not unstable in any way nor was I neglecting my mental health. Also, I don’t have bipolar disorder.

The male police officer immediately realized what was going on. He even told me that this was a common type of abuse. He advised that I get in touch with the domestic violence center and probably file for a restraining order. The police left, as there was clearly no emergency here, but my son was terrified.

Seeing the terror and trauma in my son was what it took for me to end any sort of relationship with the father of my unborn child. I spent months debating whether to keep the baby or not. And I ended up absolutely having to get a harassment restraining order since the guy made it his mission in life to stalk me, harass me, harass my family members, make false accusations against me that I was abusing my son, and he even tried to file for his own restraining order. That was denied as I had no desire to interact with him, let alone harass him.

In writing this, I think about how worried my son must have been. I ended up deciding that I wasn’t going to let this guy make my decision for me about keeping the baby but the pregnancy was fraught with complications from the beginning. Complications that I am certain are a result of my anxiety and fear of that guy. And profound guilt. Guilt for what I had put my son through and guilt for being selfish enough to decide to keep the baby.

I don’t think my son ever forgave me for that whole experience. And it did not end with the restraining order. The father immediately filed for custody. So after having my daughter a month early, I got no rest. I had to spend most of my time caring for her, trying to pay some attention to my son and fighting a losing legal battle that dragged on for about two years.

I realized that I was not being a good parent to my son when I found out that he had had a minor injury and I hadn’t noticed for maybe a week. And my poor son who felt bad for me, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to burden me. This attitude of my son to worry about me and not burden me with his own issues continued for years. Because the abuse from the father did not stop when the court battle was over. The guy continued to neglect the baby, insult me outright and continue to threaten me regularly. But there was nothing to be done I had thought at the time. That was probably my trauma thinking for me.

Emotionally, I withdrew from most people for years after this. I went through the motions of life but I felt like I had nothing left but terror and anxiety. I was also desiring an escape from this life. I became suicidal. Or had suicidal thoughts and even plans.

My son was aware of this. It was difficult to hide my depression. I wasn’t coping very well. I was still so traumatized. My life was in tatters. I had left my job, stopped socializing entirely, and slept every chance I had. I went through the motions of being a parent but I was so exhausted and terrified that I was unable to give more. I couldn’t give much to myself. I was existing on fumes alone.

The problems and abuse from the father of my daughter continued for years. The stress of his actions towards my son’s sister and me was inescapable. I tried to hide my depression but I’ve never been that great at faking emotions.

My son withdrew more and more from me and his sister. I now realize how hard all this must have been for him. How hard it probably still is.

I eventually became intolerant of being abused in any way and it took several years, but I stopped caring about the behavior of my ex. However, by that time, I believe that my son had drifted too far away from me and his father blamed me for the entire abuse situation. And was vocal about it. I believe my son began to resent me due to my trauma, my post traumatic stress issues and sibling rivalry.

My son didn’t really understand how it would be to share his mom after nearly 8 years of having me to himself. He didn’t know what a baby was like, how much work they are. And he shouldn’t have had to know what it’s like to worry about his sister weekly when she would return to her abusive father. The guy didn’t stop at abusing me. He abuses our daughter too.

During all this, my son was experiencing becoming a teenager. He does not do well with change. He also had to change schools. First into high school, where things were not so bad at first, but once again he was physically assaulted. This time for being Jewish. Not only was he assaulted, but also threatened with further violence should he speak up.

The school didn’t handle the assault with any sort of seriousness. I also found out that my son was not getting any of the autism services that he still needed. After weeks of trying to work with the school, I realized that he couldn’t go back there. It was dangerous.

My son became very depressed at this time. It was just too much for him. He blamed me, himself, maybe others too but he hasn’t been able to move past that assault. Two years ago.

When I pulled him out of that terrible school, I learned that he was seriously behind in English. He was functioning way below grade level. I first tried homeschooling him but realized soon that he needed the structure of school to thrive and hopefully heal. So I put all my energy into finding a new school. In the middle of the year. And only a month after I was hit by a full sized semi truck and permanently injured. It was a lot to deal with. For all of us.

My son’s resentment towards me seemed to grow as I had to adopt a more disciplined approach to help him catch up in English and try to find him emotional support. I eventually learned that he blamed me entirely for what happened in his freshman year at that awful school. I suppose blaming me was easier to accept than to blame someone else. I don’t really understand it fully but I am aware that his father has encouraged our son to feel resentment towards me and his sister.

Two years after the hate crime my son experienced, he remains withdrawn from his peers. It is difficult to know what he is feeling or thinking because often, he says things to avoid perceived confrontation.

He has been through alot of hardship. Some of that hardship has been entangled with my experience as I detailed earlier. I tried and tried to repair our relationship but I get the feeling now that it’s too little or too late. For now anyways.

His sister acquired a serious case of head lice about a month ago. All of us ended up having it. I became anxious and fearful of contracting it again. Actually- I don’t think I’ve rid myself of it yet. I have anemia and low blood pressure so blood sucking parasites are particularly bad for me. I have been in the hospital more than once since this started.

My son left for his father’s house and has not returned. He makes almost no contact with me. Before a more recent hospitalization, I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe. I sent my son a message saying something like I love him and he should have my car if I don’t make it. I was so muffled and dizzy, I couldn’t think straight. My heart rate in the ambulance was in the 50s. The highest it got was middle 60s. Even when I was discharged from the hospital.

I had been very disappointed that my son seemed to not care about any of this. It occurred to me that perhaps he needed distance from me. For how long, I have no idea. I told him that I was hurt by his lack of communication and not even checking in to make sure I am alive still. He said he cares but I think he does not. I think he can not care. Caring for me has been too hard for him. I do feel some anger but mostly I am hurting. Hurting from his lack of interest and continued absence. He hasn’t even spoken to me on the phone.

I think he does not want to be in my life or vice versa any longer. That would make sense if he does indeed believe that I am the cause of all his troubles. And I have to accept that there is not much I can do about this. I have tried and failed to support him in recent years. I think it would help if his father did not tell him untrue and negative things about me as a person. However, there is also not much I can do about that either. I can only hope that my son will realize how much I care and all I’ve done for him and that I would never abandon him. But he seems to have abandoned me.

Over the last 17 years of his life, I have questioned myself many times. I have berated myself for not doing enough. For not being enough. For not being able to solve all the problems that have happened.

When his autism was out of control, I often wondered if he would be better off with someone else. But I also knew that nobody else could care and would fight for him like I have. But once again, I find myself thinking if he would be better off with someone else. At this time, I truly do not know. I do know that I’ve neglected my own health to the point that it’s become an emergency. My daughter is only 9 years old and I know I have to attend to my own health if I want to see her into adulthood.

I also want to see my son become independent. That’s what we were working on before he left. Just life skills. Laundry, dishes, time management, anxiety management.

So I absolutely must prioritize my health now. It has deteriorated significantly through the years and it’s clear that I can no longer take care of others if I can’t take care of myself. But it hurts. To realize that I am not in control of my body. My body has told me in no uncertain terms that I cannot go on putting others before myself all the time. My body refuses this now.

I just want my kids to understand that I’m not a bad person. I don’t think I am. But I’ve made some mistakes that were well intentioned. The most significant one being that I thought I could do it all and my health would sort itself out. And how serious the consequences of nearly two decades of medical neglect have had on my body. That is why I really don’t know how much longer I have to live and that concerns me. It causes me to try and tie up loose ends- like trying to record my experiences with my son so that maybe he will one day read this and understand. Just in case my instincts are correct.

To my son, I love you so much and always will.

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Basic Public Health and Epidemiology Information for General Audiences

Also note- much of the Covid-19 specific info is towards the bottom.

Attention- this is a work in progress.

Note: not medical advice.

Reason for this project- to give public a (hopefully) less biased view of science and to educate on public health basics.

My background: What makes me qualified to teach this subject? Extensive scientific education- have spent significant time working in public health- education, prevention, tropical diseases educating on all aspects of public health, epidemics, endemic diseases and vaccines. Graduate work as a master of science in public health. Licensed for medical practice.

General Relevant Medical Terminology Different Types of Disease Causing agents:

Antigen- something foreign in your body that will cause an immune response. Examples can be parasite, virus, bacteria, toxic chemicals, fungus.

“virus”: Infectious agent of small size that only multiples in a host (example person or animal)

Bacteria: similar to virus but more chemically “complicated”. Some live in our bodies naturally and it’s not a problem.

Microbe: a very small creature that we cannot usually see without a microscope. So viruses, bacteria, fungi, etc.

Morbidity: diseases that can ultimately strongly impact state of health- example: heart disease or obesity.

Mortality: commonly used as a “rate”- indicates how often a certain disease actually kills people. Example- heart disease kills X number of people per year.

Viral Load: *not exact definition* repeated exposure to a virus causes a person to be more likely to actually get the virus.

Pandemic: defined by the World Health Organization as “when a disease’s growth is exponential. This means growth rate skyrockets and each day cases grow more than the day prior”- source- publichealth.Columbia.edu

Therefore, according to WHO and Columbia (as well as other sources) we are no longer in a pandemic state as the disease in this case (Covid-19) is not growing at an “exponential rate”. Aka- it’s slowed down- ALOT.

Pharmaceutical Companies Target Kids: In January 2021, Pfizer finished enrolling 2,200 teens aged 12-15 in a clinical trial. Modena finished enrolling 3,000 teens aged 12-17 in its own study in February 2021- source cen.acs.org/. As of March, this age group was “approved” to receive the experimental vaccine* (*error- governmental sources were stating that the vaccine was safe for this age group and pushing for emergency authorization, but apparently not approved at this time (May 2, 2021).

How Humans Become Immune to things/How Immune System Works:

What are the different types of immunity to diseases? “Acquired by disease”- example- chicken pox. There is now a vaccine for this but it is one of the “newer” vaccines, meaning most adults have had the disease. Chicken pox is a virus, symptoms range from many itchy, red bumps all over the body lasting for a week or so to more mild symptoms such as only a few bumps. In no the cases, a person who has had the chicken pox disease is immune for life. The disease is not usually deadly. “Acquired immunity”- immune by vaccine.

What are the most common types of vaccines are how do they work?

Live vaccine: a small part of the virus or bacteria or microbe is administered usually by injection to the host (patient). The quantity of the microbe that is put into the hosts body is not enough to make him or her seriously ill, but is the most powerful and most long lasting way for the host to build immunity to the disease aside from actually having had the full blown disease. This type of vaccine usually has the most side effects and is not recommended for pregnant women, anyone who is immunocompromised due to disease or medications they make take.

Inactivated vaccine: particles of the microbe are introduced by injection to the host body and the body’s immune response reacts in a more mild way. These vaccines tend to have booster shots and traditionally do not last as long as live vaccines.

What are antibodies??

Definition of antibody: “proteins (immunonoglobulins) that are made in response to an antigen (virus, bacteria, germs, essentially) and can recognize and bind that antigen. Antibodies can help neutralize or destroy the antigen. Antibodies are highly specific in recognizing the original antigen” (source: Tortora, G. Funke, B. Case, C. Microbiology: An Introduction. 8th edition, published by Pearson. San Francisco, CA 2004*). I will continue to refer to this textbook throughout the article. Antibodies make molecules (compound structures)- an illustration will also be provided. Antibody structure (most basic) is a “Y” shape- having a “stem” and two arms. Antibodies are made by B cells.

Immunoglobulins: 5 classes: IgG- the Y shaped structure that makes up 80% of blood antibodies. Others are IgM, IgA, IgD, and IgE. IgG is most common in blood. Other immunoglobulins are more common in other parts of the body, such as mucus (for example). IgA is the most abundant immunoglobulin in the body*. “The main function of secretory IgA is probably to prevent the attachment of pathogens, particularly viruses and certain bacteria to mucosal surfaces. This is especially important in resistance to respiratory pathogens” (source- same textbook as indicated by asterisk*)

Testing for antibodies:

Laboratory testing for antibodies to novel coronavirus: blood test (that you may get in doctors office). Tests vary from site to site. There does not appear to be one uniform test. If you are tested by blood and have had the vaccine recently – you will likely test positive for antibodies. If you are tested and have NOT had the vaccine, you may still test positive for antibodies but it is unlikely unless the body has recently been exposed to the virus (aka antigen). This does not indicate presence or lack of long term immunity- IgG alone.

General antibody testing- Having no clear antibodies by blood test does not mean the body has not developed immunity to a disease. This is because antibodies are produced after being exposed to the antigen (whatever it may be). Immune memory cells will mount a response of antibodies if it encounters the antigen again several days after being exposed and may last for a few months at most. Therefore, antibody testing is not indicative of whether a person is immune to something or not.

To address: B cells, memory cells, primary and secondary response to antigen. Further examples of antigens also to be provided. B cell activation is necessary to mount an immune response-

Differences between antigens- antigens can be bacteria, virus, parasite, anything attacking the body (foreign substance that can cause illness). Famous example- cold virus or flu virus…another common one is E. Coli which is normally present to some degree in the intestines of humans and animals but when ingested, causes serious symptoms. Often considered a “food borne” illness.

Check this out as it is very similar to what’s going on now:

Polio Scare 1935-1960. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1383764/. see The Cutter vaccine- infected 40,000 people with polio virus- many partially recovered, some suffered paralysis at the site or administration. Famous advocate against Polio- American president FDR who contracted it as an adult and became paralyzed from the waist down. Started what is now know as The March of Dimes.

Contradictions from the American Government About Covid-19:

BMJ reports that those who have recovered from Covid-19 “may only need one dose”. Comes straight from the mRNA manufacturers- Pfizer and Moderna. https://www.bmj.com/content/372/bmj.n308

Also recent reports of vaccinated (with mRNA vaccines side effects including shingles and cold sores. Not widely reported on and of course, minimized by American press. Shingles (and cold sores) part of herpes viral family. Details somewhat sketchy and unbiased info hard to find. Unbiased= raw data.

Viral vector shedding- am investigating which vaccines are “competent” in replication- meaning that they may cause disease- even if it’s not the disease that the vaccine intends.

So what’s up with the experimental Covid–19 shot?

Short answer- it’s an experimental shot.

Manufactures of vaccine are claiming that mRNA vaccines have no ability to “replicate”. Have not been able to definitively find data to refute this, HOWEVER, in Pfizer’s study detailing the experiments regarding the Covid-19 shot, mention is made of “unintended recipients of treatment (aka the shot)” and defines this as “family members NOT undergoing treatment (experimental shot), fetuses of pregnant women receiving “the treatment” and infants breastfeeding to mothers receiving the treatment. This suggests that THERE IS concern that people in close contact may be exposed to substances in the shot somehow.

In live vaccines- example yellow fever or MMR- nurses are advised to tell people getting those vaccines that it is possible that they can shed the virus through close contact with family members.

That Fauci guy says a lot of stuff- should we trust him? He may be happy if nobody remembers this:

Don’t forget (reminder to self) to detail failed HIV vaccination attempts Anthony Fauci.

So Fauci did this: 2007 STEP Trial HIV Vaccine gives people HIV:

So if I get the experimental Covid shot- will I get Covid?

Some Covid-19 vaccines using viral vector techniques. Non medical terminology explanation- vaccine manufacturers are claiming that the mRNA type of “vaccine” does not carry actual Covid-19. I believe that. What they put in are “instructions” on how to make antibodies to the Covid-19 virus. But there is a catch. The catch is that there needs to be a vector (something that carries something else like a virus) for the body to accept this information. The vector that is being used in some of these shots is called “adenovirus”- also known as “common cold” .

There are many many strains of the common cold. Many people are immune to a lot of them because we have kids or leave our homes, so we’ve gotten these colds and gotten over them and our bodies remember that. That is how our bodies are designed. One issue with using this new system of vaccines is that some of us are already immune to the vector (the cold virus they use to transmit the info) and if you’re not already immune to the type (strand) of cold virus they use- you will be after they give it to you. Again, because your body remembers this cold. This is a challenge in the new “vaccine” because that means that it may not work for a lot of people. https://www.clinicaltrialsarena.com/comment/adenovirus-vectored-covid-19-vaccines-efficacy-during-a-potential-revaccination/

What are other countries doing with the Covid shots? Why aren’t they giving it to everyone?

I put “vaccine” in quotes because I am not 100% sure that this can legally be called a vaccine given that it is experimental. And yes, it is still experimental status according to every government I think in the world.

Many countries have stopped recommending the use of this “vaccine” because of the likelihood that many people may already be immune to the vector that they use.

Back to immunity by disease regarding Covid-19. (Link to NIH) https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/lasting-immunity-found-after-recovery-covid-19?fbclid=IwAR1q4YFE56tAf0IEmOCaYUSVsHhM6-A_7y2m4P-Sa_flDa8hRWmX3kWnv3k

Some of the studies have shown that people who have already had Covid-19 are having more severe reactions to the shot. Pfizer shows this-

MASKS:

https://www.who.int/images/default-source/health-topics/coronavirus/mask_exercise_outdoor_ok.jpeg?sfvrsn=f7339b45_1
CDC says masks decrease chance of transmitting Covid-19 by 0.5%

https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/70/wr/mm7010e3.htm?fbclid=IwAR0XD9e3h4pmmu7Ehz3GhSd5p-lMsuDXjITcySqXk7JBhdrpCtpgMslbHzQ

Medical Professionals Speak Out Against Experimental Shots and Lockdowns:

https://www.city-journal.org/lockdowns-must-end?wallit_nosession=1

The Great Barrington Declaration

On Mandating Experimental Shots:

Federal Law Prohibits Mandates of Emergency Use COVID Vaccines, Tests, Masks — 3 Resources You Can Use to Inform Your School or Employer

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The Epidemic That Doesn’t Make The Papers

By: Kristina Tehrani

2/10/2021, revised 3/16/2021

          Today I stopped by the gas station and as I was browsing for my favorite bottled tea, I happened across the newspaper stand. There were two publications- The Saint Paul Pioneer Press and the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The headlines were nearly identical. This is not a direct headline from today because I don’t recall exactly how it was phrased, but it was something along the lines of “Pandemic Rages On With No End In Sight”. As I mentioned, I don’t remember the exact wording but I DO remember how I felt reading that- depressed. I tend to not watch network news because I noticed some years ago that there seems to rarely be GOOD news; lots of death, destruction and gossip though. For the last year, the newspapers and general media has been milking the sensational nightmare of the Novel Coronavirus.

          Covid-19 began making in earnest American headlines around February of 2020. That is over one year past at this time. As of late, I have a difficulty considering Covid-19 to continue to be called “novel” because usually, the term “novel” implies “new” and often “temporary”. In early spring last year, the novel coronavirus efficiently and swiftly swept across the nation, sending probably the entire American population into a collective panic. Different people reacted differently, but I think it’s fair to say most people were terrified, or at least unusually bothered. When the pandemic came to my state of Minnesota, I reacted to it the same way I react to almost anything. I spent hours poring over research, data, studies and anecdotal accounts.

          Initially, I concluded that the virus was primarily airborne, supremely deadly, and unpredictable. The pandemic did not start in the United States; other countries had been dealing with it for weeks or months. I read studies that described the molecular structure of the virus as to be so small that it could be aerosolized and due to its miniscule weight, could take 20 minutes or so to sink to the ground. As a public health nurse, I looked to the CDC for answers. Incidentally, this is when I lost faith in the good intentions of the CDC. Their recommendations were to stay home as much as possible, wash your hands, avoid standing near others and avoid sick people. I can’t recall exactly what the recommendations were but they were saying generally “this is a symptomatic disease, and likely not airborne”. These recommendations did not seem to align with the studies I had read or any other general conclusions coming from the other countries who had been “infected” for some weeks or so earlier.

          I became suspicious of how it was that a “stay at home” mother, with some masters work in public health and no background in creating or administering a scientific study could find so much information contradicting the CDC in about 7 hours of online research. How was it that a huge organization filled with doctors, PhDs and scientists would not reach the same conclusions which the CDC later confirmed by summer of 2020? Initially, face masks were not recommended. Testing for the virus was unavailable and there was no contact tracing system in place that I was aware of.

I used to aspire to work for the CDC. Now my trust in them had wavered, to say the least. I used to accept their recommendations on most health subjects. After a year in grad school pursuing my master of science in public health, I had already been taught epidemiology. I also have a substantial background in exotic and tropical diseases due to several years working as a medical travel consultant. This novel coronavirus was not the first epidemic in the US. Not even the first pandemic. There had been epidemics and major public issues before. I did not understand the CDC’s secretive approach at all for this virus. The CDC even has an “outbreak response protocol”, which is logical, clearly stated and applies to everything from E. Coli outbreaks being traced to certain vendors to the seasonal flu. I wondered why this protocol did not seem to be occurring at any level of government health groups. They were treating Covid-19 as if all prior outbreak rules and experience were thrown out the window.

          Shortly following the (likely) inevitable spread of the virus to Minnesota, the freshman Governor of our state, Tim Walz declared a statewide emergency, which made sense at the time. However, this also seemed to cement the government’s control over everything having to do with the pandemic, which apparently was every aspect of life. Walz had just been elected Governor a few months prior to the pandemic. He ordered schools closed for 2 weeks (“to flatten the curve”) and closed most businesses with the exception of pharmacies, gas stations, grocery, liquor stores and chain department stores that sold groceries. The government endorsed reasoning behind this was “we know we’re all going to be exposed, so let’s try to minimize the entire population being sick at the same time, get our hospitals prepared so that we don’t end up with the entire population in emergency rooms at once overwhelming the health care system”. Seemed like a reasonable enough idea, although I DID wonder Well, maybe EVERYTHING should be closed for two weeks and then maybe the virus will not spread at all? However, I pushed my doubts aside since I had no decision making abilities anyways.

          However, once two weeks had passed, the emergency seemed to be either unaffected by the “lockdown” or the rhetoric changed to “we’re going to keep this at emergency level until further notice”. So two weeks became six, which then became months and now it’s been over one full year that the emergency is still at its peak or even worse. There have been constant messages by both the media and some government officials that “the worst is yet to come”. Is it though? Many people all over the world died from Covid-19, some did not die but had lingering damage to organs but many simply got sick for a week or so and bounced back.

In the spring of 2020, most people did not have access to be tested for the virus. This continued for a very long time. So, initially, most of the cases that we heard about were the severe ones- in which the patient had died or came very close to death. I had a more moderate experience. I got sick in March or April 2020. For about a week, I suspected that I was going to die. But I didn’t want to go to the hospital just in case I was wrong OR to surround myself with other sick people and catch something else that would do me in. So, I filled out a living will sort of thing, outlining where all my important documents were kept and all that, took every anti-inflammatory medication I had hoarded over the years, forced myself to eat and drink and lay in bed having mild hallucinations. After a week or two, I was feeling well enough to put trash into the trash can. From then on, I continued to feel mildly confused much of the time and had a swollen ear drum for a couple more months. It lasted all summer, really. Individual experiences with the virus have varied from asymptomatic (fairly common) to cold/flu like symptoms to death (which in the total number of infections has remained rare). So, that was my experience.

Over the summer, I met a woman who was involuntarily placed in a hospital psychiatric unit. She was in her late 60’s and had been living in a retirement home for years due to a moderate physical disability. She came to be in the psychiatric unit because after six months of isolation within the nursing home, she attempted suicide. She was not the only resident to be isolated- all of the residents were prohibited from interacting with others, both within the community and without. As far as I was told, she did not have a history significant for suicide attempts or other serious psychological disorders. She told me, “I am old, I’ve lived my life, I was lonely and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was going crazy being alone all of the time. No visitors, no pets, no interactions with anyone. I felt like it was time to end my life”.

Would this woman have attempted suicide if she had not been isolated from nearly all human contact for several months? No. No, she wouldn’t have. Isolation is a form of psychological torture that has been used historically mainly in prisons as punishment.

Minnesotans had been experiencing an almost continuous isolation for almost a full year. More often than not, there is no in person school, people are not allowed to gather in small groups, holidays have been essentially canceled, Minnesotans are being mandated to not see anyone outside of their household, ever. The rules change sometimes, but overall, we’ve been isolated from each other. I used to celebrate Jewish holidays at a synagogue. I can’t do that anymore.

My son used to look forward to going to school to interact with other kids, now “school” is him staring at the computer for hours. He was an accelerated math student. Not anymore. He used to get services for autism. Not anymore. He hasn’t played with another child since the summer, when we would go to the playground. Not anymore, not in Minnesota. It’s too cold.

My daughter is four years old. She does not understand why she has nowhere to play. It’s affecting their mental health. It’s affecting my mental health. We used to go to the art museum. Not anymore. My kids are depressed. Schools may be opening again, but for how long? Kids are also failing in this distance learning model. All kids are being affected, but those with a lack of access to technology in addition to increased barriers to special education, barriers to sports, barriers to mental health services are particularly affected. These children are supposed to be the future. What kind of environment is this to raise healthy children??

I am concerned about the increased number of suicides in our state. I am concerned about friends I’ve lost last year to drug abuse during the pandemic. I am concerned that this is going to become “the new normal”. Violence by youth is up, I believe as a direct result of lack of structure. Many people have no way to get physical exercise as gyms have been on almost permanent lockdown since March 2020.

Governor Tim Walz has had “emergency executive powers” for over a year. Some Minnesotans are fighting it, some have already moved away, some have given up. The icing on the cake for Minnesotans is that none of these measures have been proven to stop the spread of covid-19. But these measures have been proven to destroy Minnesota- financially, emotionally, educationally, and effectively. In the course of one year, it feels as if we are on the brink of a partisan civil war. It’s past time to end the Governor’s dictatorship of the state. 

Where are the cost-benefit analysis for the mandates? Where is the public attention for kids and seniors that are so lonely, they want to die? Where is the publicity for the majority of kids literally failing school? Why are we ignoring all of this? How bad do things have to get before the real emergency is dealt with? As bad as Nevada, where youth suicide became such a problem that the government mandated schools open? The warning signs that our state is crumbling are here. Please heed them. This should not and cannot be the “new normal”. This imposed isolation is unsustainable at best and killing more Minnesotans than the actual virus at worst. We need to start healing our state before the executive branch of government completely eliminates representatives and we are in the position of seeking refuge elsewhere. I am not leaving my home state.

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Thoughts on Freedom of Speech in an Orwellian Time: 2084

“Cancel culture” supposedly started with the “me too” movement a couple years back. As a woman and a feminist, I supported women speaking out about sexual harassment. I still support it.

I am not sure if that truly qualifies as “cancel culture” now in 2021 (or as I like to call it 2084) as almost everything is being censored. I have never, ever seen so many “liberal” white people angry about everything. And yes, it does seem to be people who have declared themselves as “liberals” who are silencing others.

I’ve noticed that it IS usually white women (who fancy themselves as the voice for the oppressed, I suppose) taking offense at everything including asking simple questions like “I didn’t get my saliva COVID test in the mail, did you get yours?” The reactions are over the top, illogical and immature. I was called a “Nazi Fascist” for suggesting that black and white people could probably work together on some things. I was called this by a bunch of white “liberal” women. I was shocked. Do people even know what a Nazi or fascist is?

It used to be that questioning things was good. Questions used to be a encouraged, expected, even. We are currently in a society whence questions (even about the mundane) have become unacceptable. Many fear asking questions as some of us are being ostracized for asking “well, do I really need this vaccine?” Unacceptable question now. It is also unacceptable to question the government. This is dangerous. Abraham Lincoln warned that if the United States were to descend into tyranny- it would be at the hands of our own people.

Freedom of speech is very important. Americans who don’t support freedom of speech make no sense to me. Why would anyone WANT censorship? The book 1984 is one of my favorites. It’s a classic. It was probably even banned at some point. All the other rebellious teenagers I grew up with read 1984 and denounced “Big Brother”. As an adult in 2021 in the US, we’re rapidly approaching this dystopian society. Censorship has become trendy somehow. Erasing history and banning books is en Vogue. I never thought I’d see the day that I would be arguing with the same teenagers I grew up with who seem to now be wanting “Big Brother”?! What changed? Is it the whole “I didn’t sell out, I bought in” thing? Because that’s how it’s coming across.

There are a number of stand up comics, black, white, women, Asian, every type of person- all for free speech. It’s not even a liberal/conservative thing. It’s a slippery slope to silence people for anything, really. I don’t use hate speech, I don’t agree with hate speech. But should it be completely illegal? I don’t know. Maybe. But once you go after someone for using a term like, for example, “kike”- what’s to stop people using other terms, terms that have been adopted into communities and reclaimed by those who are meant to be disparaged by such terms.

I like “heeb”. I AM a “heeb” and I like joking around too. Do I have family members that died in the Holocaust? Actually yes. I never met them of course, having been born in 1981, but I have visited Israel and my German Jewish sort of second cousin by marriage- her whole immediate family was incinerated. I would have loved to talk to her more but unfortunately I speak neither German nor Hebrew. So communication with this cousin was mainly gesture based.

Things are constantly changing. They say “the only thing you can count on is death and taxes”, but I think the only thing you can count on is that every element of the universe is constantly changing, for better or for worse. Astrophysicists recently found that every element in the periodic table “move” constantly. And we already know from chemistry and physics that those elements can change and form new elements under various circumstances.

Any effort to homogenize individual thought is going to ultimately be futile, as it is not natural by the laws of science or reasoning that this is possible. Our genes as human beings even resist homogenization. When you inbreed, you have problems because too much of anything leads to problems. You don’t have to be a scientist to know that.

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Clowns

When I was a kid, maybe eight or nine years old, I was enrolled in the “Big Brother, Big Sister” program. Coming from a family in which I was the only sister to my three younger brothers, I really appreciated my “big sister”. Lisa was in college at St. Thomas and we did things like drink Diet Coke and play truth or dare. Lisa also liked to buy me little keepsakes, mostly journals and books. I liked the journals and books; I loved to read and write.  

A few months into our budding sisterhood, for some reason that I cannot fathom now, my sister Lisa started buying me these dolls.  I don’t recall having a particular fondness for dolls and these were no ordinary Barbie or Raggedy Ann dolls. They were these elaborately painted ceramic clowns with ornate satin costumes. In retrospect, I would call the dolls “noir”, in a way. They were not happy clowns. Their faces were lifelike, but weary, as if they had already seen too much of the world. They were certainly not meant to be played with. At my age, I had never really experienced the idea of a toy to not play with.

The dolls also came with individual display stands inside their large and partially transparent boxes. The clowns ranged in size from about 8 inches to more than a foot and a half. This was the 1980’s, I don’t remember if there was a sad clown doll fad or not, but I think I remember being with Lisa in the mall one day and seeing such a clown in an upscale gift shop and Lisa asking me if I liked it and I must have said yes or had some sort of positive reaction. To be agreeable, of course. As it turns out, I should have been honest and said “they’re a bit creepy”, but how was I to know what would follow?  To be honest, I may have manufactured that memory in order to make sense of how these clown dolls ended up becoming such a bane to my existence.

It was not very long until I found myself the reluctant recipient of one such decorative clown. After receipt of the first clown, I brushed it off as a curious but isolated incident. However, I must have too enthusiastically accepted and given her the impression that I was a serious collector because the clowns became a regular gift, almost as regular as the diaries. I recall liking one clown. It was very feminine with bubblegum pink paint and white and pastel pink ruffles. Even as a child, I could appreciate couture to some level. Perhaps that was the first clown, because they progressively became larger and more frightening from then on.

I could not tell Lisa that the clowns scared me. After accepting a half dozen of them with false enthusiasm, I was too deep into it. I didn’t consciously make the connection between these garish porcelain clowns and the evil child-eating clown portrayed by Tim Curry in the Stephen King movie “It”, which I had recently seen with my elderly Persian grandmother. However, I did notice that I had begun to develop anxiety around these clown dolls. The clowns were stored out of sight in a closet, buried underneath things I would never have a use for. I hoped that the clowns would go away on their own, but that hope remained unfulfilled as apparently, the mother of all decorative clowns was soon to be bestowed upon me. A reckoning was coming.

The final clown I got from Lisa was the largest yet. I don’t know where she found these dolls, but this one must have been nearly half my height. The most imposing stationary clown I had ever seen in person. Real people dressed as clowns had never frightened me that I can recall. It was the glassy eyes and the ivory, motionless skin of the dolls that awoke a sense of fear. The possibility of demonic possession seemed very real in some of the more sinister looking clowns.

The night that Lisa had gotten me the clown doll to trump all others, I was sleeping in her dorm room (as I often did), in the living room on a couch-alone. The clown was stationed directly across the room from me; I was right in its line of sight. The clown appeared to be watching me out of the corner of one painted eye across the room. I tried not to make eye contact and a couple times looked away, and then glanced back to find that it seemed to have crept a millimeter closer to me. I was almost in a state of panic. I felt imminently in danger and could not turn my back to this clown. I didn’t even want to breathe too heavily for fear that it would notice me, come to life, and attack. I was not sure exactly what the clown would do to me in terms of physical harm, but it was obviously menacing. Who knows what these clowns are capable of? And did I really want to find out?

I lay rigid and sleepless most of the night on the couch, uncomfortably aware of my potential assailant in the corner resting (waiting?) against its display stand. At some point, Lisa came out of her room, noticed that I was wide awake and managed to pry the truth out of me. The charade was over. Somehow, Lisa made the connection between me having seen “IT” at the age of 8 and my fear of clowns.

You see, my grandmother had shown my three younger brothers and I the IT entire mini-series on tape. Bless her heart, she sincerely believed that because there was a clown in the movie, it was funny and appropriate for small children. She truly thought that we would love it. I am not sure about my brothers, but for me, not a single night passed for the next several years that I was not plagued by dreams of murderous clowns of every variety. Almost thirty years later, I remember the details of some of these nightmares.

When I confessed my embarrassing secret to Lisa that not only was I afraid of clowns at the time, but I had also been afraid of them for awhile, Lisa realized that pretty much all of the clown dolls she had given me were resulting in anxiety and nightmares, and thankfully, she was very understanding about my white lies. I was ashamed that not only had I been lying to her by pretending to like the clowns for months, but I was also old enough to know that porcelain dolls really don’t come to life and kill people- in theory. I was embarrassed about it for quite awhile, so much so that I avoided her for some weeks afterwards. Despite the fact that she had also seen the movie and insisted that I was definitely not ridiculous at all for being terrorized by a collectible clown, I remained a bit ashamed for years. In retrospect, it must have been pretty comical for her to realize that with her limited college student finances, she had spent a moderate amount of money on accidentally scaring the hell out of me. How could she have possibly known that my clueless, foreign grandmother would show a Stephen King movie to little kids?   Even at the time, I recall my grandmother being confounded that we children were frightened by the evil clown that lured children into the sewer, severed limbs, ate them and could emerge from any water pipe it desired, not to mention a career defining performance by Tim Curry that helped bring the movie to life. When I revealed to my mother that my grandmother had subjected all four of us children to this four part bloodbath, my mother was furious. Many expletives in Farsi ensued.  

I received no further clowns following the revelation that what I felt for them was the opposite of gratefulness. If there was a lesson to be learned from this, perhaps it would be that one should not pretend to like a gift, for that gift may become a curse. Or maybe the lesson is that it’s better not to let a person who thinks Stephen King is appropriate for children babysit your kids carte blanche for extended lengths of time? I suppose I learned both.

Just so fucked I can’t even Quantify it

I am not sure what I did in a past or current life to justify this level of hell. I cannot even describe my current experience as purgatory or anything that is not constant torture.

Every moment of my life is filled with excruciating and needling pain. There are brief moments of joy. Those are the moments that I live for.

I do not live for those moments alone. I mostly live to be an example of perseverance and his mother to the best daughter. A mom could ever hope for.

My daughter is everything to me. She is brilliant. She is amazing. She is so kind she has boundless potential. If she was in charge of running this world, all the problems would be solved within a month at the most.

And on top of being brilliant and smart, she has also extremely funny. I share her sense of humor, and I am grateful for it. I almost bought her a stupid knock, knock joke book, and decided against it because she could come up with better shit.

And last, but not least she is a drop dead tall knockout who will be extremely gorgeous and well rounded woman. Certainly a woman to contend with.

I do admit, I was nervous about having a daughter, but now I realize that it’s one of life’s greatest joys. She has given me so much happiness already that I would repay her 1 million times over and it wouldn’t be enough.

I love her. I love her to the bottom of my feet and through every fiber of my being and down to the deepest marrows of my bones. She is so precious to me and I think about her all the time.

I know how hard it is for her and myself to be separated. But I have been sick and I do need to rest. Really rest maybe even go get fluids. There have been environmental allergens that have contributed or even caused the problem.

I have been running a fever of at least 99.5 Fahrenheit daily for the past two months. This whole time I have also been experiencing rashes throughout my body. The rashes have gotten to be nearly intolerable. Some areas of my skin are so painful that I cannot even touch them.

Right now, I live in the house that is owned by my parents and I think the intention was that I would inherit the house. I was not here for the purchasing or the inspection and I am starting to wonder what my parents were thinking. In terms of square footage this place is good, but the actual living quarters are entirely uninhabitable for any human and probably most animals too.

Should I die in this cursed house I would like for people to know that I made many efforts to escape this prison and also that- perhaps daggers may not be choosers, but maybe there can be some gray area there. Just because I have been through some difficult times I don’t think that means that I should be condemned to a slow and painful death by insect infestation and to also standby and watch as all of my personal belongings and my children and pets are also systematically slowly murdered. I just don’t think that the crime of begging quite deserves punishment, especially when there was no begging involved.

Damn, I hope somebody reaches at some point and by somebody I mean, at least my daughter.

I am currently on crisis watch and am supposed to be sleeping within the next hour. If that doesn’t happen, I have been told to call back.

I did seal many areas of the ventilation system in the house today. Maybe I’m wrong but what can you expect from somebody who slept maybe at most one hour last night and cannot really expect to sleep very much tonight considering the increasingly severe allergy that is developing systematically on my body and will eventually kill me if I do not leave this environment.

The challenge is to get the cats safety also. The owner of one of the cats is refusing to care for her. This person is also my teenage son. I will not lie. I am extremely disappointed in his lack of empathy for another living being. It scares me. I do not understand. I do not think I am capable of understanding. To standby and watch a kind and gentle animal suffer when there is something I could do to make it stop, but I don’t do anything. Seems really weird and I just don’t understand it. 

The Boy Who Hated Everything

There once was a boy, who couldn’t love.

He has alot of wants and alot of needs but no love was there in his heart.

He has a heart but it didn’t work the right way.

There was a heart that pumped blood through his body and kept him alive….

But it never fed his soul.

He remained empty, without love and without caring for the remainder of his days.

Days which were many but without meaning.

He never looked for meaning.

He let his loved ones die without thinking twice.

He was a monster.

And thus, the boy became worse than any animal he would not eat.

He was an empty shell. A void.

There was a body, but no conscience.

The boy was not a boy.

Posing as a boy.

King of Minnesota

A History of the Reign of Tim Walz

Written by a Minnesota single mom, public health RN, and former democrat

The History of Tim Walz’s Actions and Decisions Since He Became Governor of Minnesota:
Including Questions About His Future Actions Based on His Past and the Current Circumstances in Minnesota

Also Titled “What’s the Worst That Can Happen?”

First- you may have heard two democratic lawmakers in MN were shot earlier this morning. State representative and state senator both voted recently for a measure that was more a conservative or Republican stance.

I can’t recall if these two were the only democrats who voted against the democratic party’s MN agenda or not but I will find out.
When the news of the shootings broke this morning- many accusations, rude comments and ignorant statements were made immediately blaming so-called “Maga” people. I can only assume they meant “anyone who isn’t in total agreement with the far left” because I’ve personally been accused of “MAGA” ism or maybe more accurately referred to as “free thinking”- before I had even considered voting against the democrats. I was accused of it whenever I asked questions.

All I did was express doubt and very well informed and researched public health FACTS. Facts that I am entirely considered a legal scientific expert on. I had the audacity to point out things like: studies published by the CDC itself contradict what the CDC is suddenly claiming now AND Walz should be listening to experts- and parents. And kids. And evidence. And science. And people who elected him. And the Minnesotans who didnt elect him but whom he is charged with representing even If he doesn’t like their opinions.

Over two years- that man ruled Minnesota on his own. He unconstitutionally imprisoned all of us. He was the one and only decision maker for YEARS. The man is crazy for power. We know this.

Now we have dead lawmakers from his own party. Lawmakers who recently voted against his wishes. Walz has proven himself to be an individual who will go to any lengths to seize and maintain singular power over this state and all of its citizens. He has proven it and gone very far in the past. Ilegally shutting down churches, synagogues, schools, small businesses- then mandating that all healthcare workers subject ourselves to what was at best- an unethical, dangerous and unnecessary medical procedure (so called Covid vaccines) or we were fired from our careers.

Even those of us who are licensed experts in public health. I was not allowed to work . During a pandemic. When supposedly- all health care workers- were “desperately needed”.
Many of us were fired or denied the opportunity to help at all when we were most needed because we did not agree that this one person- this “King” of our state, told us we no longer could make decisions about the substances put into our bodies.

The left is ironically protesting against “kings” in the US.
Well- here is one of the rulers who indeed acted as a king here in Minnesota for more than two entire years. He was the only decision maker. Only one man. Walz.
How did he do it? Considering we are a representative state and nation?
Seems like he did it through intimidation. He certainly didnt listen to any of the tens of thousands of Minnesotans who protested literally on a daily basis.

He did not listen to the public health experts who were saying that lockdowns are more harmful than any possible virus. He did not even have a medical professional on his three person team of yesmen.

He didn’t listen to kids who were dying of suicide, drug addiction or their parents- who were dying of preventable illnesses because most preventative care was put on a two year minimum hold. That included CANCER screenings for people who had cancer! Active or in remission- no cancer screenings.
This list could go for dozens of pages. An entire book.

My point is that the man doesn’t care about this state, its people, or the laws- let alone about voting or representation.

If anyone has proven beyond a doubt over and over again that he is controlling, obsessive about power and refuses repeatedly to consider any opinion other than his own- it’s Tim Walz.
And as Walz has also proven repeatedly- he believes himself above the law.

So consider this when you consider who would possibly be associated with the lethal attacks- attacks that have never been seen or heard of before- two members of his party- shot in a single day?? Never heard of such a horrific events in my lifetime. Not when we had any other governor- democrat or republican or otherwise.

The main and ONLY current suspect for the shootings of the democratic lawmakers is…someone who is not only associated with the democrats- but likely has deep ties to Walz specifically.

I haven’t done all the research yet but this is what I suspected from the beginning. Literally the moment I read the headline. I was like “who’s framing the right?” And “I hope they find the assassin very soon because the left is immediately and without cause going to riot against anyone who is not a democrat and they will get violent”.

So I’m glad this guy was identified fairly quickly.
I am very very curious about his ties to Walz. And after I reminded some of you- or maybe some of you may want to share a list of Walz’s past and present actions, behavior, patterns, lack of respect for others, behavior that has often not only suggested that he believes himself above the law- the law of our country- that we have rights to be heard and represented as a people. We all have this right. Men, women, disabled, people of color, naturalized immigrants- it is a civil right. A right that some of us have historically had to fight for.
Walz mocks not only all of Minnesota with his controlling past and present behavior- which is undeniable, even to the most ardent fans of his rhetoric, the man shows no respect for others. That’s frightening in a leader who has historically seized unilateral power.
It’s frightening in anyone in charge of hundreds of thousands of people.

Those who claim that “Trump considers himself king” or the only ruler of the USA- ask those people or ask yourself as I once did- why would a “king” or dictator allow others to rule their own states? That’s what Trump did during the pandemic. He let governors of each and every one of the fifty states WHETHER HE LIKED THEM OR NOT- decide within each state how to handle the apparent crisis. He turned over power to states- and people he most certainly didn’t agree with. I don’t know any type of dictator or king who would let people who have been chosen by others- let alone those he doesn’t agree with- “rule” their states.
If Trump had been a fascist- which by the way- is a dictator or like a “king”- comparable in terms of power- why would he not act like a dictator? Conversely, what may the country have looked like had Tim Walz been the president? If he had been the one making a decision- “should I let the states decide how to handle this individually as the constitution has usually indicated that our local elected representatives should have more immediate authority?” Or would he simply have decided the fate of the whole country and dismantled the US senate and the US government entirely?

That is how he dictated here in Minnesota. He took away all of our elected representatives. Nobody was allowed to vote on anything. He made all the decisions. Every month or so- some lawmakers- mostly republicans- but even some of them seemed hesitant to stand up to Walz…monthly there was a sham vote on whether one person should be able to make all of the laws in a Democratic republic.
Seemed that a few- even across the aisle- felt like Minnesota should not be ruled by a single man. Let alone a guy who was in his first term as governor, didn’t know the first flipping thing about public health at that! Why did this guy stay in power for so long? Over two years.

Massive protests were held literally every single day. But it seemed that the government in MN was afraid- especially those in Walzs own party. Why? They all knew the constitution. They know this is not a monarchy or one person ruled country. Why didn’t they speak up? I will never know because they refused every month to vote against democracy. They did not give any reason at all. They simply kept quiet and voted to keep Walz in sole control over the state.
I watched every, single month- first with optimism, then confusion, then dismay and despair.

Truly- it seemed we were all living under a tyrant and he made some terrible decisions that affected every single one of us.
The vulnerable people suffered most. The people that ironically Walz claimed and continues to claim to represent the most vigorously.

People who protested included democrats and independents and all sorts of people but A LOT of medical professionals especially. We saw how people were dying from lack of care. Many of us grew to specifically question Walz and wonder- “what is wrong with him? I thought he was a Democrat. Are there more like him or what’s going on here?” Because many of us knew- it was OBVIOUS- we knew that the virus wasn’t being handled in a logical, let alone scientific way.

Well- many of us knew. Some of us- nobody I speak to- but people I know- kept quiet and went along with all the lies and insanity. Insanity like purposely closing a hospital- yes it happened on Walz’s watch and during a “pandemic”- and one of the worst things that he did…because these decisions were made by ONE individual only- he literally sent patients sick with COVID into— wait- where is the place with the most vulnerable people? Yes- he sent them into NURSING HOMES of all places!
What was his reasoning? What could possibly explain this?

I don’t recall if he did explain it- because how many kings or dictators have you known or heard of that have to answer to anyone or explain anything that they do?
The governor of NY did the same thing. Only for him- it was illegal. I think he faced some sort of criminal investigation of medical negligence at best and at worst- premeditated massacre of a civilly protected group of individuals who have been persecuted before and face their own challenges. The elderly.

They were not the only ones who died as a result of the lockdowns and ongoing refusal to evaluate the evidence or situation. People who suffered most were by and large- the most vulnerable members of our society. The sick, the mentally unstable, the people who only had a history of depression, people who had overcome drug addiction or alcoholism, anyone who was alone, domestic violence increased immeasurably.

Children were turning to drugs to cope with their suddenly lonely and cramped lives – devoid of even being legally allowed to play in a playground. Walz even shut down nature parks and trails.

He isolated as many of us as he could. Black, white, mixed, young, old, poor, middle class, Hispanic, people of all faiths, people with disabilities- it seemed every week brought new ways to keep us locked up and isolated.
He even shut down all places of worship and was sued by so many groups over so many different things- many of them illegal in ANY context- public health emergency or not- he broke the law and he kept breaking the law until he was sued- literally dragged to court over and over again to obey laws.

He only obeyed the laws that he was forced to. If he wasn’t sued and forced by federal court judges to follow laws- he kept breaking them.
This is someone we want in a top position of power?

To me, the terrible things he’s done-this isn’t complete list- reads more like the history of a tyrannical dictator- not even a king. At least, historically- kings have been born and at times have been more willing to work with others or even care about some of the people. Some kings didn’t want to be in power. Some abdicated. They gave up their power for a more normal life or to choose a different path.
There have also been queens. Some better than others.

But absolutely worse are people who have sought power and then abused it so horribly and in such a short time. Usually dictators are honest about their intentions. They take over by force. They are not elected into power. Tim Walz told many lies (proven lies) in order to both attain this power and keep it.

His biggest lie- the one that people need to see the most- is that he cares about the people of Minnesota. Second biggest lie is that he believes in “democracy”. This should, by now if you haven’t figured it out, be obviously a lie. They both are. If someone cares about people do they send sick people with a lethal virus to nursing homes? I would think not. Does someone who cares about the law or the rights of the people to be represented turn around and break those laws, then silence the people?
I think not.

I encourage everyone to please consider the points I’ve made. All of the above is documented as fact.

When you put it together and learn as I have that actions speak louder than words- it’s undeniable what type of person Tim Walz is. A despot. A lying, corrupt, negligent, insecure and incompetent leader. At best.

Do you think he could be involved in controlling his own party to the extent that he could possibly be involved in the deaths today?
Let me know. I’ve written this as clearly as possible.

Some people care not for others. They care only for themselves. I think it’s clear that Tim Walz could very easily be a person like that if you stop listening to the crap he says and start watching the things he does. The greatest predictor of the future is the actions of the past.

Let’s please never go there again. Our state, our people haven’t yet recovered. I know I will never forget how one thoughtless vote- yes I did vote for him the first time. I literally remember being too busy to look into him much and I figured “well- what’s the worst he can do?”
I’ll never forget that. I believe a lot of us thought that. Turns out the worst can be unimaginably painful and lethal even under the right conditions.

From the time I first started trying to get Tim Walz to listen to me- a public health RN in graduate school- pursuing my master of science in public health- I learned a lot and it had me working with people I don’t agree with on many issues. I’m not really a solid republican. I’m not a republican at all. I used to vote democrat but five years after Tim Walz put my children through hell and ignored all the suffering of so many people- I now always do my research. Always.

And I will never stop trying to help others break out of this..disbelief about who this person is. He’s shown us who he is. Without any questions. But too many people won’t see him for who he is.

Maybe it’s easier to think he “made mistakes”? Or he “didn’t know”? Denial is powerful.
If I hadn’t been someone who literally was studying epidemiology in a masters program- I don’t know that I would have realized what was going on right away either.

It still took me time to accept that people are sometimes bad for us- no matter what they say or claim. It’s harder to know the truth than to just try to sweep it under a rug and hope for the best.

I hope this investigation leads somewhere useful.

I have been waiting 5 years for Walz to get caught doing something and be held accountable. He is the same person he was just a few years ago. The person who had to have his power wrestled away from him by some fancy maneuvering by some people who were in a position to make him give up power. Their names aren’t remembered- but they were multiparty representatives.

And he never once apologized. Deaths in Minnesota were higher than Wisconsin. Higher than most states. Yet we had the most restrictive “mandates”. We knew the deaths were more than other states for a long time. It was all over the newspapers. Every day. But Tim Walz never relented his decisions. He never re-evaluated “the science”. And he’s never- to my knowledge- admitted one bit of empathy for those who died because of his sometimes very obvious bad decisions and sometimes less obvious bad decisions. Never said he was sorry or would have done it differently. I am sure I would remember such a thing.

So you know this- he’s doesn’t regret any of it. He would do it all again. All he needs is to stay in power. Now are we going to keep him in that position?

I hope not. More and more people die here every day. Now it’s from violent crimes. How much more evidence do we need? We need someone else.

Not sure if I mentioned this in this very long seeming but also personal piece of writing..he was nearly “elected“ to the federal office of the Vice president… So be grateful but also know that that this is this person… He is his after higher, much higher office than than governor… He he may become everybody’s problem soon. I have heard that he is no longer certain to run for for the office of governor of the state of Minnesota for a third term… This man is reaching high and he clearly has what the Democratic Party wants to see in the highest of federal federal officers… and he is been such a state changer here/now Minnesota is being put on the map for incredible and atrocious acts of violence. Today, he is here, but rest assured that his career is far from over. Tomorrow, it could be the entire country

Stream of consciousness post on cocaine use at the age of…too old in my opinion.

You just never know about what people have going on that are truly shocking…to me anyways. I probably have what is now, upon consideration, an extremely boring life. Thats my goal, anyways. Seems like I have mostly succeeded.

Maybe 2 or 3 years ago- I discovered someone around my age that I’m acquainted with- is actually still using cocaine! Like- WHO has the money, utter lack of fear of cardiac arrest (guy is like 40!), and time. It’s the sort of thing that was not even healthy as a young person.
And expensive! Okay so this post was originally going to be elsewhere but I really needed to write it all and identify how I know this person.

Younger brother. With a family! Kids younger than mine. But still- how does he find the time to hide it?? I wonder if the kids have any clue? I think I recall now that his wife definitely knew and did not approve- of course! I can’t even imagine how much cocaine costs now- inflation, he was probably doing it enough so that it was a problem, he’s in his 40s…and here I am worrying about my cholesterol- which is genetically pretty high (from my mother side) so I’m mostly avoiding any heart problems- as often as possible.

What sort of adult is out there…abusing cocaine or meth even- with a job- a career even, a family, young kids. I truly can’t imagine. It sounds miserable. Cocaine- sure I’ve tried it. Liked it. 25 years ago. Sure it was great a few times only, well before I started thinking about things like “LDL cholesterol”.

I’m not being judgmental…maybe there are people who are using cocaine (or meth) on a regular basis and have families and are doing fine?

I just remember from my “partying days” that most of the harder stuff was insomnia inducing, sleep depriving, sometimes paranoia brining, definitely addictive and actually when grew out or away from that sort of thing- I think I recall feeling better without it.

I actually did spend about a year, maybe a year and a half- as a teenager and partying too much.

Was I addicted to something? Yes I totally was and it’s kind of embarrassing now but I was sooo much younger. Almost 30 years ago now! When I stopped using speed- which I used regularly for maybe a year or so- I was NOT happy about it. I didn’t give up voluntarily. It took me maybe a couple months to accept that the guy who was selling it- the ONLY guy who was selling it- retired from drug dealing or something. So myself and my 3 other friends were all sort of forced to quit cold turkey. I got super involved with my grades and classes…and met a new boyfriend who was really interesting. I moved on fairly easily after that first month of misery.

I was I think 15 years old the last time I used that stuff. I’ve only tried cocaine a few times in my life. It makes me feel great for about 5 minutes and then anxious for…until I eventually fall asleep. I never bought it myself.


I had to get this off my chest after I found a mysterious baggie of white substance on the floor of my garage today. I was like “wow- this looks TOTALLY like drugs” but also I couldn’t help thinking it had to be some kind of mistake or gag. But after looking at it and yes- I was so curious I tasted it. I am almost certain it’s real. I have some idea of who I suspect dropped it…how else?? I think I laughed out loud when I found it. I was like “seriously??” Hahahaha! No way!

How shocked I was. I had completely forgotten about “recreational drugs”.
So weird because I was up to my elbows detoxing people only a couple years ago as an RN. But they were almost all on fentanyl. Which I have only been familiar with as a patch. For pain. Rarely used. When I worked at the hospital, like 18 years ago.


When I was dating maybe 4 years ago- this guy I was seeing was a daily marijuana smoker. I wasn’t into it but it was pretty infrequent. Turns out he was a “recovering alcoholic” who it also turns out was actually not really recovering because he was what we call a “dry drunk”.
Anyways- I think he got most of his weed legally anyways.
He only smoked like once or twice a day. Unlike the previous boyfriend who smoked like it was going out of style and man, was he lazy!
So I guess probably that’s the type of person who has the time and energy and whatnot for actual drugs- the powdered kind especially…people who have extra time.
I’m almost jealous. I know I could just forget about my goals, hobbies, things that give me joy, etc and instead, decide to be more sleep deprived, definitely at a way way higher risk of heart attack- I mean- it wouldn’t even be a question of “if”- it would be “okay…depending on the drug- this is a suicide habit”.


I never processed how shocked I was to find out my brother who is like no more than 16 months my junior- STILL uses cocaine! And finding this baggie of what I’m pretty sure is actual crystal meth today…brought those recent memories of finding out my brother has a cocaine problem- and has had one apparently for some time- that all came to the surface.

He has kids- little kids! And a wife! And a nice house. And cars. Not one car, multiple cars. In good working condition.
He’s like 41! What is he thinking?!
In fact- I’m pretty sure he was high when I saw him last year. Wasn’t sure on what but that was my suspicion. He wasn’t drunk and was saying some super weird shit.
THIS is only one of the MANY MANY reasons why I don’t go to family get togethers anymore. Tip of the iceberg.

I’m a little annoyed actually with him and anyone else my age who’s on real drugs- not weed- drugs drugs and they’re fine. For now, I guess. I just don’t get it.

Here’s me…like car is falling apart, I fix all my own stuff, I have all these hobbies….havent even thought about drugs. Sure- I drink alcohol but not a lot. I even get the stuff that’s like “diabetic alcohol”!

So I guess what I’m saying is that I fully better outlive him now. if someone is over 40 years old, using cocaine (and alcohol) regularly- I highly doubt he’s watching his sugar intake and eating oatmeal and taking omega 3 supplements. How is he still alive?!

I remember his wife nearly divorced him over the drugs.

All I can think is- I don’t have an empty spot where I feel like I could fill with cocaine. Or even alcohol. Or running away from my current life. Am I somewhat miserable? Yeah. But part of it is from insomnia and feeling tired- things that drugs would only exasperate. My addiction- super boring- is weed wacking and taking care of the yard. I should say my favorite current addiction. I have others- most equally boring and tame.

Mostly I avoid writing about what I want to write about because it’s too depressing right now. And I just can’t. So it’s better to write about other stuff than not write at all, I’ve decided. So that’s my take on using cocaine or meth regularly after the age of say…21.

I can’t imagine it! But I don’t pity these people. Well, maybe a tiny bit. But from what I remember from using speed as a teenager- it wasn’t all that great when I didn’t have responsibilities, my head more together, etc. It was fun sometimes but other times- it was awful. The not sleeping for days and then crashing for days. And yeah I was definitely expensive and kind of pointless…now that I think about it. There were so many other things I was interested in. Sure- I’ll never forget how I was suddenly forced to quit. And how desperately I tried to find a new dealer but now I’m really glad I couldn’t stay on it.

Other people- they started using other drugs. I sort of lost touch with those friends once we no longer had the speed in common. One friend I had- we were able to have fun no matter what. One friend got into heroin and I have no idea what ever happened to her. The third friend- moved to California and started drinking entirely too much. She eventually quit entirely. Went to law school.

But turns out there’s people out there still using cocaine 30 years later. Where do you even find that? I was looking- but not hard- just asked around maybe 10 years ago for mushrooms. The magic kind. Didn’t find any, and really I sort of forgot about it. I don’t even know that I’d eat them now. Unless I was on an extended vacation- maybe. No kids, no witnesses.

The guy I suspect dropped this assumed meth- is my age too. How is he not having a heart attack?? Maybe I worry too much about my own health. Maybe I still have some stimulant drug days left…well- it wouldn’t matter because I doubt I could enjoy it now. The desire is also not present. More like an avoidance feeling.

I’m particularly annoyed by people my age seemingly using actually dangerous substances…and they seem- fine! Seems unfair. Here I am- cholesterol over 300 and I can’t even have candy. I exercise most days. I watch everything I eat. And I maybe had a stroke three weeks ago. That’s bullshit. Maybe stress over time is just as bad or even worse than cocaine use??

Yikes. That’s food for thought.

Lawyers and Legal Theater

A General Observation of Attorneys: Corrupt, Money Laundering and Parasitic

Lawyers generally are not to be trusted. In the years when my father was practicing as an attorney- over three decades past and his father before him in the 1950s and on-I believe that there was still some semblance of legal ethics. Still some regard for the actual law- not just finding ways to break it without being caught.
Family court lawyers- I’ve seen one openly commit perjury. In order to win a case and harm a child, an infant. The perjury was never addressed, let alone punished.
Attorneys may have one time been useful or valuable to people who needed an expert on the law but now- they are corrupt and greedy actors- often robbing their own clients and breaking laws for more money.
I didn’t give it much consideration before- how they demand money up front- and there is pretty much no recourse if they don’t do their part. I’m not even talking about losing a case while making a genuine effort, either.
One attorney that I encountered- he did indeed have an entire network of other “experts” that he claimed necessary to the case and of course, required a kings ransom up front.
This same attorney swindled his clients family out of tens of thousands of dollars by lying about what he was doing and he ultimately and purposefully lost the case. Once he had destroyed the case, the clients emotional health and her potential to fight back- he turned right around and sued her for more money. Since she refused to pay him for the services he claimed he rendered but didn’t. He counted on the fact that when he sued his former client- she would be too upset and in shock about the loss of the case and child to effectively be prepared to show up at the hearing to defend that she didn’t owe money to a person who fabricated his invoice. And he was correct. She didn’t even have the energy to show up. He got a default judgment. Later, the client realized that THIS was his role as an attorney. Not skill, not work- tricking clients into paying his associates, flagrantly losing the case by not doing the work and then suing the clients for work that was never done, knowing that he had already weakened an already vulnerable person.
Most of them know each other, too. They are as bad or possibly worse than politicians.
You are absolutely right that instead of upholding the law, they do their best to circumvent it so that people’s cases only get harder and harder to win- in order to line each others pockets.
I would never, ever hire a lawyer again, under any circumstances. Not after what I’ve seen.
The games they play to win- those are people’s LIVES they play with.
Not so long ago- I got a ticket for something I was innocent of. It wasn’t anything major but because I was innocent, and I was also feeling how unjust it was that many criminals walk free with not even a ticket, let alone charges- and here I was- innocent of some petty traffic crime- I fought it tooth and nail. Because not only was I innocent, but I had a cache of proof.
I used the public defender- even though I didn’t want to- because he was a jerk and I wanted to go directly to the DA myself with my evidence and demand a jury trial- at which I would simply defend myself. My case was open and shut. I was charged for driving with a “canceled license”. Turns out it was a DMV error. I brought my evidence in and these prosecutors and even the attorney who was supposed to be on my side tried to trick me into “taking a deal”. An innocent person takes no deals. And I said so. And kept having to say so for over a year of pretrial hearings while they worked together to break me down.
Over an incorrectly issued traffic ticket. It was a misdemeanor crime. But like I said, one I was innocent of. Had I actually committed the crime- yes I would have made a deal. After a year or so of me also working on my own lawyer and demanding a jury trial- they finally dropped it.
I even brought a copy of the constitution to the government center with me. Confronted this jerk with it and said “the only thing I’m accepting today is an apology”. For wasting my time and energy.
I never did get the apology, but it’s a sad state of affairs when it seems that no lawyer in any circumstance can be trusted.
When people advise me to get a lawyer for something complicated- I just laugh.
Court- generally- is to be avoided. The whole system is rigged and the lawyers play a very large part in this legal theater.

Exist or live?

When your time could come today, tomorrow or maybe a year…

One thing I’ve always tried to do is a live a life that I wouldn’t regret. Or rather- make decisions I could live with, ethically. That has likely harmed my physical health but has strengthened my spirit and my emotional health. Now the question remains- will my spiritual and emotional strength be able to withstand the injuries to my body?
Not just withstand but thrive?
There is one thing I know- I have very few regrets. And the ones I have are things that I didn’t have any control over at the time. I have done my absolute best to do right by my children always. To fight injustices. Sure- I wish I hadn’t been so terrified of my daughters father for so long- but trauma will do that to a person. It’s amazing that I continued to fight through my fear. And my daughter- she’s going to be okay. If I hadn’t fought- I don’t think she would have been. My son- I’ve been fighting for his ability to get care for his autism for well over a decade, also- and I am confident he will be okay- more than okay.
I’ve given both my kids the solid foundation that I never had. That was one of the biggest goals I have ever had as a person. To right the wrongs done to me as a child by raising my own children in the opposite way I was raised.
My writing- it’s all over the place. Literally. I have completed short stories, beginnings of books, and many, many a blog post.
It’s almost worse not knowing what’s going to happen. Because now I can’t decide how best to spend my time.
I have already decided quite abruptly to not waste a moment on people who I can’t avoid but won’t change the way they treat me. I have told a couple of individuals the things I wanted to say when I didn’t think I’d make it through the night. I can’t and won’t retract those statements because they’re true and I had to get them off my chest.
But that also means potential consequences later- if there IS a later- that is.
I’m trying to be logical about all this. I would think that someone unsure of what time they have remaining and what feels like insurmountable odds of changing (a lot of things and quickly)…I would prefer to live to the fullest NOW.
And perhaps that is the best course of action. Maybe it will somehow help me physically. But again, this is me choosing to live rather than exist.