Toxic Behavior: How To Stop Accepting It

If you’ve noticed that people seem to walk all over you or you’re constantly getting involved in friendships or romantic relationships that are one sided or abusive, it’s usually not random.

It means you have to take an objective look at yourself and see how you enable others to treat you this way after you’ve seen the red flags and know that you are being mistreated. Some examples of a toxic or one sided relationship include: being taken for granted, expressing your emotions only to have them ignored, minimized or outright denied, being insulted either directly or through back handed compliments, being expected to be at someone else’s beck and call, feeling as if you can’t express yourself because you are ridiculed for your opinions or feelings….the list goes on. Bottom line- somewhere in your head or heart, you know you’re being mistreated.

Once you have recognized this- if you continue to interact with this person voluntarily- it’s time to ask yourself “why?” “Why am I putting up with this?” I think we mostly know that people don’t change unless THEY want to. So to subject yourself to abuse or maltreatment is generally also a choice. I’m not talking about people who are married and fear for their lives if they leave. That is an entirely different situation. I’m talking about staying friends with someone who you know is using you. Or dating someone who insults you.

Personally, after leaving a relatively short term but intense relationship with an abuser, I took a good, long look at myself and why I tolerated and even excused the behavior. I wasn’t married to him, I wasn’t financially dependent on him, we didn’t live together or have a life together. I was with him voluntarily even though as time went on, the signs that he was becoming more aggressive were impossible to ignore or explain away.

I realized that I am a “giver” and generally expect that others will reciprocate. That is a fallacy. Some people will and some won’t. Some people can easily identify “givers” and use that as an opportunity to drain them of their energy, resources, and whatever else I have to offer. I don’t know if I was born a “giver” but I do know I have been needing to work on holding to my boundaries for some time now.

Being a single mother and a nurse- giving and giving and giving became normal. Prior to that, I had a relatively healthy set of expectations for how people should treat me and I stuck to it. But 14 years of nonstop giving took its toll.

I read recently “we teach others how to treat us”. That is why having boundaries and sticking to them is essential. For example- when someone says they will meet me at a certain time- they should be there or call if late. That was my first red flag in my last relationship. He was late to our first meeting, didn’t mention it, didn’t call, didn’t apologize.

Throughout the relationship I realized that I was doing all the work. Or the vast majority, anyways. Another red flag was his entitled behavior. He came to expect me to give, yet didn’t thank me nor did he reciprocate the giving. I was often the first to tech out, the one who planned things, the one who addressed issues. That is an unbalanced relationship and those types of relationships are generally not happy ones. The giver becomes tired and resentful.

As I became more annoyed and fed up, I started complaining almost nonstop. All the giving was draining. Eventually, I just ended it on a whim. And at the urging of friends who tend to be less biased because they view things from the outside looking in.

More examples of toxic behavior: not thanking you for things you do, not accepting “no” as an answer, feeling like you can’t be honest with the individual because you’re afraid of their response, back handed compliments, insults- both subtle and outright, constant criticism, treating you as a child who cannot make your own decisions and blaming others as a pattern.

The solution to this is to spot this behavior in others as soon as possible and cut off contact. Don’t feel guilty about it. You know what’s best for your life. You don’t owe people anything unless it’s your children or sometimes maybe your parents.

Develop and nurture boundaries. If you “over give”- knock it off. Stop offering to help people and help yourself until you’re in a place where you can give what you want to give and not feel obligated about it. And if you find yourself giving more than the other person, if that person is valuable to you- have a talk with them. If they won’t listen, they are not a real friend or partner. Some will give insincere apologies but then proceed to behave the same way.

We have to hold others and ourselves accountable for not accepting toxic behavior from others. And there does come a point if you keep accepting toxic behavior that you become an enabler. So drag your self esteem out of the dumpster and realize that YOU deserve better and tactfully yet firmly hold to your boundaries. Which are decided by you.

I have decided my boundaries include that friendships must be reciprocal, I don’t accept petty criticism, I don’t accept people who don’t return my calls, I don’t accept insults (even under the guise of “it was a joke!”) No, no, no. These are some examples of the more popular ways that toxic people will attempt to break you down, there are more I am sure but those are the ones that immediately come to mind.

So figure out your boundaries, spot people who are “takers”, and don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself FIRST.

Alice Reborn and Reimagined

Tired of the same old, same old…Alice reinvented herself overnight. She was told by an old friend to “bring some of that old Alice back, from high school, the one who spat on Nazis and took no shit”.

It took Alice a couple weeks to remember that girl. Oh yes, now she remembers…that girl was the hottest, most exciting, daring, outspoken and wild adventurer around. She was irresistible to be around. Her top priority was fun and everything interesting. If someone bored her, she would politely ignore that person indefinitely. She skipped small talk always and wore what could only be described as costumes. She was wildly popular for her creativity, openness and willingness to try anything.

It was her life goal to shock others in some way. Not necessarily badly- but she lived like there was no tomorrow and it showed.

Alice woke up yesterday with her “old self”. Her mischievous, trouble making but good intention having teenage self. Immediately, she stopped being “normal” in any sense of the word. From that point onwards, it was all about being that girl again.

And as it turns out- people still love that irreverent, outside the box non conformist rebel. Alice has not only been busy fielding dates, she is getting marriage proposals from men tired of what Alice assumes to be “the same old”. Nope, Alice is a rare jewel. She now describes herself as having stepped off the pages of a story, which is actually true. She has left the blog and is out roaming the world looking for her next adventure.

“Young Alice” had never settled for one boy. Never. And neither will she do so now. As the Beatles famously said “it’s all in the mind”. Okay. She settled one time and one time only. That boy was four years her senior and worshipped her. And she was struck by his looks, his behavior, his sense of humor, his personality….the first boy she had ever thought “wow, I am tongue tied. This guy is amazing.” Funny, his name was Eric. And he was amazing to her. Amazing. He was her rock…but Alice was young, way too young for a serious relationship.

And since then, she’s never really settled down. She wonders if maybe she’s not the settling type. And maybe she shouldn’t be. She loves getting to know new people too much. And there are so many people out there.

So now, for gags, Alice is posing as a crime fighting loner. Next week, it could be a vampire slaying warrior. Because Alice has indeed stepped off the page and into the world to shake things up. She tried “adulting” and “conformity”….wasn’t for her.

Back to exposing truths, breaking hearts and doing things that are risky, dangerous and exciting. Life is for living. And Alice is ready to start living again.

Alice Wishes Happy Trails

To the current Lief, the Lief incoming, every Dorian Gray- Alice wishes only the best. She can only vaguely imagine what sort of nightmare it would be to be unable to live in her own body, with herself.

The myths of Narcissus and Dorian Gray are so similar. Many people are beautiful. Or maybe that is Alices perception? Alice has accepted many people as beautiful regardless of what current terminology suggests.

However, beauty and even caring are not enough. Alice has had a good friend. A friend that she managed to keep from Lief, a friend who wouldn’t desert her, a friend that she struggled whether or not she should date to him or Lief over…he became and stayed friends with Alice. Through everything. The most embarrassing acts that could be imagined- too late- she couldn’t help it and loves the other man. And is just realizing it now.

Lief Before…But Still Is

Alice had been studying the abnormal psychology of the sociopath. Sometimes known as a malignant narcissist. She now knows all the signs, the motivation, what to watch out for. What she hadn’t considered was that she would encounter practically the same man- a decade younger.

This “new” Lief is shockingly similar to the one she had left…difference being he had yet to develop his looks to an advantage (or somewhat of one- Alice had noticed that Lief had been aging much more quickly than normal). She wondered if Lief and all those like him suffered from a Dorian Gray type problem. Once taking the image of themselves from the mirror, they shatter it, likewise shattering the lie that is their “ageless beauty”.

Lief had been youthful into his 30s. But once his wife left him after years of abuse, the deterioration did not take long to set it. For the first time, Lief saw himself. His real self. And it was terrifying. He was a horrendous monster. Lovable only to those who he could trick into believing his beauty.

Alice, still accepting that the man was not who he said or appeared to be- was shocked to find another almost identical man ten years his junior. Alice almost immediately recognized the poor social skills, the lack of friends, the poorly disguised attempts to get her into bed. But this time- Alice is not being so hasty.

Alice knows she cannot train another human to learn empathy or take self responsibility but she can’t help but be too curious about this new Lief. In fact, this one was far more handsome than the last. If only he dressed up a bit and cleaned up his manners. Alice is spellbound to have this clone professing his love for her.

She naturally runs from danger, but her curiosity has always been her downfall. She has, at times, been able to separate herself from the people she studies and she believes this to be one of the occasions. The same man…a decade younger….how would he behave?

Alice Makes Her Way Out of the Nonsense World

Once things became unbearable with Lief, Alice said as much. She realized that she no longer recognized herself. She had been living in a fantasy world. A fantasy that was turning into a nightmare.

She was tired of it. So tired. Tired of being told her feelings were wrong, tired of being unappreciated, tired of watching what she said as it seemed Lief found absolutely everything she said to have a hidden meaning.

Not long after Alice told Lief she simply couldn’t do this anymore, he told her the same. That he also couldn’t. Alice knew it was because Lief would never put the same amount of effort into a relationship that she did and also that Lief was unwilling to compromise. Ever.

Alice’s friends recognized the abusive situation. The joy Lief took in either witnessing or causing Alice pain. He had taken the time to find out the things she didn’t like and then started to do them to get a rise out of her. Even Alice’s family was concerned. What had started out as a promising relationship had devolved into a nonstop power struggle that Alice sensed was being enjoyed by Lief.

Alice knew Lief would not come back again, and she hoped he wouldn’t. Alice knew she deserved better, a lot better, and she was afraid of turning into Liefs ex-wife…or even Lief himself. Embittered, weathered, angry and joyless.

Before meeting Lief, Alice had been gregarious and outgoing. As time went on, Liefs digs at Alice’s confidence began to exhaust her mentally. He had admitted to being calculating and manipulative. He had even admitted being turned on by Alice’s pain.

Alice realized it was her choice: her life or his. The road Lief was taking her on meant total submission of her opinions, thoughts, aspirations and friendships. She would be a broken person. And Alice likes herself as she is.

Realizing that what she had experienced from Lief was indeed abuse, Alice moved on. She let go. She began dating right away. She noticed that Lief had not broken her. She was still able to attract alot of attention and return to her normal life quickly. Her path wasn’t without rocks that she stumbled over but it was a clear path. A path leading out of the world of nonsense created by Lief and which Alice had been a participant.

Alice doesn’t feel anything for Lief anymore. It was like a spell had been broken. Or a nightmare she had woken from. Suddenly, it was over.

The Straw

Alice had been living in a sort of living purgatory for the past month. Lief had been giving her the cold shoulder- the games, the hot and cold, the “you have no voice” sort of treatment for awhile now. But it had been escalating.

Alice fears that she may be pregnant, you see. And Alice doesn’t take that lightly. When she discussed the possibility of pregnancy with Lief- he responded angrily. Here was a man who had just made love to her and then turned right around and told her that if she were to conceive- it was her sole fault- as if she were the Virgin Mary. Leif refused to use extra protection, he insisted that Alice keep her legs open for his “health” but should Alice find herself single and pregnant with two children already- Leif outright stated “what do you expect?!! A financial plan?!! I have kids- so I care but no I will not discuss it!“

Alice was terrified of becoming pregnant from Leif. She knew that he would not take care of her, he would not care for anything but himself. She knew this because he told her so. She was suddenly faced with a challenge- either keep Lief happy by allowing him to possibly get her pregnant or face his wrath if she refused sexual contact.

It didn’t take Alice long to reach her decision. Naturally, Leif would be shocked because he doesn’t listen to Alice. But Alice decided that evening that Leif told her she would be on her own- unmarried and again relying on the help of friends, family and strangers. Food shelves even. Leif refused to acknowledge the possible physical, financial or emotional hardship that Alice would face immediately. Not only did he refuse, but literally yelled at her for broaching the subject.

Alice has two children already. In fact, Alice has always been easily pregnant. Her children have different fathers from different decades. Alice experienced maybe the best of her pregnancies when she was 26 years old and her on again off again boyfriend requested to marry her. She knew that it was “the right thing”, “what a gentleman would do”…but she did not love this man anymore.

The second father had previously sought Alice’s hand in marriage. Alice had wanted more time to consider but given the surprise nature of the pregnancy and a looming lack of health insurance- Alice approached HIM for marriage so that she could provide healthcare to their baby. He said no.

Alice knows that Leif is much more like the man who wouldn’t provide for his child than the man who said he would marry her and do the right thing. The irony is that the father who wanted to marry Alice is a “free spirit”, not religious and very left leaning.

The second man had no political thoughts, only financial. He said that he wouldn’t add his pregnant fiancé to his health plan because it would cost $300 a month more. That was much more than he was willing to pay for Alice and his baby’s health.

Alice couldn’t help but see this man in Leif. There were many straws. A stack of them. But the final straw, for Alice, was when Lief intentionally humiliated Alice in front of a dear friend. Alice didn’t even know whether she could face her friend ever again after that.

But face him she did and like a real friend, Adam validated her feelings and gave her a hug. It was funny because Adam and Alice had met through his business but had become friends over time, despite the fact that Adam is at least ten years Alice’s junior and absolutely jaded. But Alice has always admired his candor. Always.

Alice is moving on. She is annoyed and concerned that Lief is wants to “be friends” which Alice knows is the oldest excuse in the book to maintain a sexual relationship. But maybe Leif didn’t get the message. Alice will not have sex with anyone she doesn’t trust again. Let alone someone who claiming to be a follower of religion but espouses not of said values.

All Alice can do is wait and hope that she is just being paranoid about being pregnant. Because there is no way Alice could confide in or trust Lief to help her or their baby, regardless of the pro-life lip service he gives.

Alice knows she’s on her own with this and anxiously awaits the time frame in which she can be sure one of way or another if indeed she is being punished for her behavior. Because only a wrathful God would sentence her such.

Edit- Leif told Alice today that he never forgave her for a time when she was angry months ago. The implication being that he has hated her for months. He then asked to be friends.

One of the first things he said to her was “don’t let me hurt you”. And Alice was terrified because she knew….he would hurt her and anyone else. Unfortunately, she did not heed this advice fully.

Alice has since cut off the lines of communication as Leif has expressed that he no longer wants Alice and Alice has determined that whatever lies in the future is her own fate to decide. Under no circumstances will Alice contact Leif again. She is certain that he is either looking for someone else (as he really did flirt with other women in front of her face) and she knows he cares not whether she may be pregnant. He has made it abundantly clear that Alice is Alice and Leif is Leif and there is no partnership. Ever.

Funny how Alice used to be “interesting”, “intelligent” and “funny” only a couple months prior and now at best- according to Leif- she has a sexy “ass”, he compliments her on looks and performance and even that started to wane.

Alice saw this coming a mile away, maybe two miles away. She knew to keep in touch with her friends and she knew that there would be other people who value her as the smart, educated, well spoken, youthful and caring person that she always has been. And there is no shortage of attention. Alice has yet to fully plan a date but she has been asked dozens of times. And finally Leif has given her the permission to move on.

Did she love him? Absolutely. Alice has never given massages for hours to anyone else. But that love was one sided. While she loved Leif, he loved himself more. Alice has no doubt that Leif has been hunting for a more compliant woman for months. Funny thing is- he doesn’t want complaint. This, he is forever doomed to drown in a pool of his own reflection…

Love

So many people give their love freely. Without giving the other person a chance to earn it. Those of us who believe in treating others the way we want to be treated- doesn’t always work out.

Some of us have so much love to give- we become excited for a chance to show someone else that love. Many of us who love to “easily” or “freely” have not yet accepted that although love is a beautiful thing and we want so badly do badly to give it. Often, this desire to resolve or earn the love of an emotionally available or abusive person harkens back to childhood, when we desperately wanted love but our parents didn’t give love,

Sometimes parents are too busy, but most of the time (in my opinion) that love from a parent will ever come. Not when you’re 4, 14, 24 or 40 years old, that person will never love, nor will they make amends. Usually by this time- a person who grew up with an abusive parent will do one of two things. They will either distance themselves from that abusive parent or subconsciously seek a way to heal by futilely abandon the idea of ever being loved by an abusive parent and try to heal their wounds elsewhere- and that is where the problem lies.

We are desperate for the approval and kindness that our parent (or parents) never showed us and we go out looking for a similar person to heal that trauma. “If I just keep my mouth closed and never ask for anything- I will “earn” that love back. The love that was missing as a child.

I’m not talking about a parent who loved some of the time but was busy. I’m talking about the parent that actively abused that child. Abuse comes in many forms – but being abused by a primary caretaker is one of the worst. And there is a spectrum of abuse. There’s the occasional put down and there’s the name calling (which is most harmful in my opinion) and there is the physical abuse. When a child suffers this from their primary caretaker, often a mother, it is devastating,

The child has two choices- if they have enough support outside of an abusive family- they may come to realize that they are not indeed “worthless” and deserving of what is being done to them. I knew- knew completely somehow that my mother was wrong. I chose to retread to books, writing and avoidance as soon as I was able to.

This is called the “resilient child”. This child succeeded despite all stumbling blocks in her way. She literally and figuratively leaves the dynamic. She looks for support elsewhere. She finds validation in “adoptive mothers” and sees that she should not be ashamed for how she was treated for as long as she can remember. She develops coping mechanisms. She has already given up any hope that her parent not only doesn’t love her, but actively tries to destroy her.

The other way a child may cope with abuse is by identifying with the abuser, whether consciously or not. This response is what perpetuates an inter generational of abuse, within which not only is the child, who will eventually reach adulthood/ but the dynamic continues- passed on emotionally from parent to child to parent.

The resilient child may seem strong, independent and insightful- but there will always be that little girl huddled in the corner while her parent beats her mercilessly while telling her she has no friends, is undeserving of life itself. That little girl will always be there mourning the loss of a parent or both parents.

When children witness domestic violence/ they tend to identify with either the abuser or the victim. I identified with the victim. Because he was kinder to me. He held me while I cried but unfortunately, he couldn’t take the abuse either and spent days or weeks away from the home leaving his small children to fend for themselves. In every which way. An abuser tends to abuse. The form is usually not as significant as it’s effect.

However, as an adult with children of my own now- I don’t see how anyone could starve their children, break them down every way and at every turn. I thought that having my own kids and showing them the love I never had would somehow heal me, also. But I was only partly successful.

Abuse of children is particularly insidious because their brains are still growing. They (we) may believe that we have done all the healing. Which isn’t true. A child that had been severely abused will often retreat into a shell. Constantly on guard and looking for closure that will never come. We reenact these dynamics, most often with intimate relationships. The validation we seek never comes from another person. If anything, we seek those who repeat the abuse.

And the abuser who may seem so inoculate to their actions knows exactly what they’re doing. Because they have an axe to grind like the rest of us, only their axes come in forms of “concern”, “care” and accusations of “overreacting” on your part of course. God forbid they have any culpability. No way.

We are simply the vessels that they choose to enact their wrath. The wrath of the abuser that they swore they would never become. Yet the “love” they give is as conditional as the weather. You obey, you maybe get rewarded with a semblance of love. Confront them and prepare for the worst. Yelling, name calling, invalidation and basically being treated like a prisoner of war.

These disturbed people may be able to justify their behavior on a surface level. But they know- they know- that surely it is wrong to treat a loved one as a traitor to be tortured until their partner is reduced to an anxious shell of their former selves.

These people rub their enemies down like stripping bark from a tree. Layer upon layer of confidence, they strip you down to an exposed and raw object only to be used for the sadistic pleasure of their tormentors.

Until one day, it becomes too much. People who have many supportive friends find themselves confronted by dozens or even hundreds of friends begging them to return to their former glory. These are the lucky ones. The ones who have established a support system that cannot be shaken. Their friends are a network of sometimes nationally people of influence.

And those friends- they are the key to the survival of the victim of antagonism. Sometimes, if the victim is a friend of those in “high places”, they get support from everyone from government officials to police chiefs to sheriffs to state governors. The victims reputation was impeccable previously. A lapse in judgement holds little weight in these cases. They may even be lucky enough to have the full support of an entire political party and their affiliates.

These are the lucky victims. The ones who really have a chance to recover. Their reputations far exceed the reputation of some nobody from nowhere. All the victim has to do is call her influential friends and the perpetrator is identified and ostracized.

However; most victims will not resort to this measure.

Go Ask Alice, But She Won’t Know

Alice had been taking the same medications for years. It never occurred to her that she may die from them. Or lack of them, rather.

She’s sitting outside the pharmacy, freezing cold although the sun is shining directly on her and she is wearing a windbreaker with a hood. She feels like she is in an ice bar, every breeze tears through her body and causes her to shiver more than she already is.

She suddenly understands why addicts will do anything to get their fix. This feeling is unbearable. She knows she is visibly shaking. She knows her voice is small. She knows her eyes look wild. And she’s embarrassed about it, but she is sitting here, waiting for the drug store to open up so she can get that fix that will make her body stop revolting against her.

The pharmacy she was using screwed up too many times. They had screwed up a couple other medications before this. But this time, it didn’t take more than a couple days for Alice to go into complete and utter physical withdrawal.

On top of that, she was so mentally disturbed and ill informed- she thought it was the flu. She had been feeling sick to her stomach, shaking, cold, tired, but unable to sleep well, running a fever and had lost her appetite completely. Eating was a chore. Moving was a chore. Although the answers were right in front of her- Alice didn’t realize it until she was bed ridden with pain- mental, physical and emotional pain.

She knew she had been moodier than usual this week. She knew she had been uncharacteristically tired and weak. Her running nose and sick daughter caused her to chalk it up to “the flu”? Or maybe it was Covid again? Even though she hadn’t had any symptoms since she had last had it- over two years ago. This didn’t feel quite the same. But with society still enlocked in a Covid panic- she mistakenly even walked back her feelings that she had had covid so severely the first time, it was unlikely to return in the near future- if ever.

No, it took a web search into “why isn’t my flu going away?” And pre-Covid results to answer the question: benzodiazepine withdrawal. And it’s deadlier than Covid. Much more so. Alice’s blood pressure was hovering at an alarming 150/98 at rest.

At the crack of dawn, she had forced herself into the car to drive to the pharmacy. But it was still closed. Because the economy has been down since all the emergency declarations had essentially devastated it. Things that were previously open- closed. Services desperately needed- unavailable.

Alice knew it was either get to the pharmacy and get that medication or have a heart attack, stroke or seizure. So here she sits, wiping her nose on her hand, trembling erratically, the wind- the wind fiercely ripping her apart, waiting for her fix. Wondering “how much do I need to take to make this stop??”

Alice’s life is flashing before her eyes. Why did I quit piano? I was so talented. I just stopped. Every light that she had been forgoing these past few days was hitting her all at once, nausea taking over. I am going to vomit.

Alice and Lief Confronting Their Pasts

Alice, while looking for information on how to handle what felt like a downward slide in her relationship with Leif, stumbled across attachment theory and revisited love languages. She still loves Leif and believes that he probably loves her too, but after a weekend of moving/fighting/breakdowns/makups- Alice came to the conclusion that she would somehow need to make things work with Leif but she didn’t know how. So she turned to her usual way of coping with the unknown: intensive studying of the subject at hand.

Alice ran across attachment style theory again while searching something like “relationship dynamics” and took a quiz on attachment style. She had taken one already several months back and it had said she was “secure” but she wasn’t feeling so secure with Leif anymore.

She and Leif had spent some time over the weekend while Leif was helping Alice move discussing their childhoods and intermittently bickering. At one point- Alice came right out and ordered Leif to leave. Leif refused. He said he wasn’t going to let her sabotage the relationship. That struck a chord in Alice because she knew that she had done that in the past. She was/is fearful of depending on or caring for others to a fault.

For example, after having children- Alice realized that she cared so deeply for them that their hurts became her hurts and even came to a point where she said to a friend “I wish I had known that I invited these people into my life that have so much emotional power over me…what if something happens to them?? It will destroy me!” She doesn’t truly regret having children but Alice does try to minimize absolutely the number of people she truly cares about because she has learned that caring almost always results in pain. Alice did this semi consciously. Sometimes she recognized that she was scaring someone away but did nothing to stop herself. Sometimes she did it accidentally- scaring a person away by telling them too much or showing them her worst side immediately. It was only the beginning of this year that she realized that she would do that on dates sometimes.

Prior to this year, Alice had been mostly single for 5 years. She did date someone exclusively for several months the prior year but it was “safe” because she knew the relationship was going nowhere. The man she had dated, Tim, was literally schizophrenic and had been committed twice. He wasn’t mean to her, he didn’t abuse her, but she saw him as more of a friend than a partner. She felt safe. Despite his mental illness, he had always been empathetic with Alice when she had been depressed or ill. Because he was often depressed or sick- so it was more of a friendship than anything. Until Tim started needing more time and energy than Alice could give. Plus he lied to her to get her attention sometimes. And he lived four hours away. When his car stopped working and he couldn’t come to Alice anymore, Alice was relieved. Relieved to be alone again.

However, Alice was also truly busy. She was trying to take care of her two children and make a career in politics for herself and eventually realized that she couldn’t do it right now. She was devastated. Devastated by the lack of resources for a new candidate, angry with the party she was running for and angry that she had done so much volunteering and helped out the party in so many ways and when it came time to support her run for office, she felt alone.

Alice also realized that the last several months, years, as long as she can remember, she had been do things she felt she “had to” and not enjoying herself very much. She sought some relief from this mindset and decided to give dating a try. She wanted to get to know people, have fun, hopefully meet someone who she may have a future with. Alice was okay as a single mother- she didn’t technically need anyone, but she did want the same support that her married friends and political colleagues seemed to have.

She tried one app in which she met a few guys and it was exactly as she expected- a nightmare. And when she wasn’t meeting a lunatic whose idea of fun was attempting to pressure her into sex or talk gibberish, she felt like it was a waste of her time and energy.

She brought it up to friends. That after 3 weeks of this, she was done and going back to being single. Several friends pleaded with her not to give up yet. Try this other site, they said, give it a few more months, then give up. Alice reluctantly agreed.

So she joined a new site and met a couple men. One of them she really liked from the outset although she was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to accept that they came from different religious backgrounds. He insisted it wasn’t an issue and she chose to believe him.

This was how she met Leif. First, they were messaging back and forth for a few weeks. Then as Leif lived a bit farther than Alice from the city, Alice told Leif that she would be in his neck of the woods and if he wanted to meet up for an hour…well, she suggested that they do.

Alice was at a hotel with an extensive pool and water slide area with her son. She hadn’t brought anything particularly impressive to wear and didn’t see that as a big deal in meeting Leif. She mostly wanted to see if they got along at all and to make sure he wasn’t going to bite her (yes, one of her previous dates had bitten her). When he showed up, he was 10 minutes late and Alice was about to just walk away. She was literally about to leave the lobby area when he showed up with no explanation for his lateness- which she noted mentally.

She let that go and they chatted for a bit about their mutual interests and played some arcade games. Leif seemed unimpressed with her looks- which Alice also noted mentally. Alice knew she wasn’t wearing her cutest outfit or any makeup. She had been doing laps in the pool shortly before meeting up with him and hadn’t brought along anything too cute because she didn’t expect a date this weekend.

But she liked Leif immediately. He had also recently quit smoking and was vaping like her, they discussed books that they both wanted to read and had a very competitive game of air hockey. Lief seemed genuinely annoyed that Alice won, even though perhaps unbeknownst to Lief, Alice did a lot of sporty things with her son and regularly practiced because of this. In fact, her son who was only 13 was kicking her ass at airhockey. Not just beating her, wiping the floor with her.

Following this meeting, in which Alice also noted that Leif seemed at bit nervous, Alice gave him an impulsive surprise kiss (to both of them) goodbye. Alice knew she wanted to see him again. And she knew she would have to bring her best physical appearance next time because she could feel Lief not liking her her oversized cardigan and menswear pants that while comfortable, weren’t exactly the most flattering clothes she had.

They made a date for a few weeks into the future as they both had kids and complicated schedules around them. They spoke a lot over the phone at first. Alice reveled in telling him stories of her favorite historical periods, politics, activism and sometimes they would just laugh about things. She became to feel emotionally connected to Leif. So much so, in fact, that she worried that she would commit the ultimate dating “no-no” (according to some)- she was nervous that after speaking with Lief so much and growing to like him- she wouldn’t be able to restrain herself from sleeping with him.

Alice could tell that Leif prided himself on his looks. And Leif is a good looking man by anyones standards. However, that’s not what caught Alice’s attention. Good looking men are available- Alice sought someone with depth, insight, humor, intelligence, and someone who was maybe a little bit difficult. Alice fell for Leif while they spoke on the phone, she fell for his personality, not his looks.

Prior to the first “real date”, Alice expressed her concerns to a friend who frequently gave her sage advice about her fear that she wouldn’t be able to “hold back” on sleeping with Leif. Her friend said “hey, if it feels right, just do it” effectively giving Alice the permission she needed.

The date was perfect. Alice dressed up to make up for her previous menswear look. Alice liked to dress up anyways but it was a challenge to look cute bowling, but Alice is creative and pulled it off. During the date, Alice found herself hugging Leif, holding his hand, and even kissing him. He seemed as happy as she. She found his quirks adorable rather than anything else. He was insecure and she could tell. Alice doesn’t feel insecure about herself- she didn’t then and she doesn’t now.

Alice and Leif, against all common sense around dating, ended up spending the entire weekend together. They were hooked on each other. They laughed, talked, “watched movies”, ate gas station food because although they had originally planned to go out to dinner- they were more keen to get into bed. Leif claimed that he forgot about dinner but Alice had her doubts. She didn’t forget, she simply didn’t care. Her friend had given her permission to jump into bed with Lief and she was ready for it.

She found his stubbornness charming. She found his insecurity charming. She found his nervousness charming. And he made her laugh like nobody else had in recent memory. She was not blind to me what he likely perceived as his faults, rather she noticed them and found them endearing.

Things moved pretty fast from there. They spent all their free time together, which really only consisted of every other weekend. But Alice began to notice things about Leif that she wasn’t sure she could live with. He made promises that took months to fulfill. She put all of her effort into showing Leif that she cared about him- she cooked him a complicated meal, went out of her way to give him everything he ever wanted in bed, dressed to the nines whenever she was with him and let a lot of “little things” go.

But the little things built up to the point that Alice needed a break. She wasn’t sure Leif appreciated her or was able to give her what she needed. This resulted in some explosive anger on Alice’s part, which hurt Leif and surprised Alice and resentment that Alice was maybe wasting time and energy on someone who couldn’t be the partner she needed.

Alice requested a break from the relationship. She felt like she should date others and that he should also. She felt that he would appreciate her more when he dated other women who wouldn’t give him a fraction of what Alice had to offer. But that’s not what happened. Instead, Alice continued to feel strongly for Leif and Leif only. She experienced an episode of anemia which prevented her from going out with another guy she had met online and she also realized she cared too much about Leif to let him go. She wasn’t ready to let him go. Especially since he had a therapist and was working on being a better partner. So Alice changed course and recommitted to Leif.

The caveat this time for Alice was that she would be more careful in giving too much of herself and would be more vigilant about the relationship dynamics. Also Alice had a lot on her plate at the moment. Much more than the average person. Basically, Alice was still working on getting her shit together after having left an abusive relationship 6 years ago. But that relationship was complicated by the child she had with her abuser. Alice had alot going on. Alice also wasn’t as aware of her own ineffective relationship issues as she thought she was.

This is how Alice ended up searching for answers that were originally focused on what was wrong with Leif but turned into discoveries that they both had issues from their pasts that they grapple with and that come out during conflict. Alice even tried to figure out it Leif was a narcissist, although in her heart, she didn’t think so.

Alice ended up looking into attachment theory- which is the idea that adults behavior within intimate relationships are a reflection of how they learned to see the world as very young children.

Alice wasn’t the only one in the house suffering. She felt like a mother to her three younger brothers and remembers telling them when she was 11 years old that as soon as she could, she would get a job and take her brothers away and take care of them, too. Her brothers also remember this and looked to Alice as their mother. Alice would comfort them after they would get yelled at or put outside naked in the middle of winter. Alice swore up and down that she would save them all.

Alice was severely abused as a child. Her mother had beaten her regularly and severely while telling her that she was “nothing”, “a mistake”, “a waste of time and energy” and that her mother wished she had never been born. Alice began to look for other places to live when she was 12 years old. She regularly ran away; at the age of 14, she found herself a foster home and lived there for three months before her parents called the police to bring her back.

Alice’s mother Susan not only abused Alice in private, but also in front of Alice’s friends- which was probably the worst thing for Alice because word spread and her friends parents had forbidden them from being friends with Alice. So Alice did not have any friends anymore growing up. Her friends were her books and her journal. She wrote voraciously and drowned herself in book after book after book. Alice found it ironic that the same mother who had driven Alice to this abject loneliness then turned around and boasted to others that her 10 year old was reading Shakespeare. Alice also developed an eating disorder, which was another thing her mother boasted about. Her mother tried to get Alice into modeling because Alice truly was beautiful and had the body of a model, with the exception of not being tall enough. Another reason Alice was so skinny was that her family literally had no food in the house. Nobody cooked. When Alice was maybe 8 years old, she learned to make egg salad from a book and so that’s what she ate for several months until she first began to steal food and then as soon as she was able to get a job, she was able to afford to buy food and hygiene products at age 15.

At 15 years old, Alice begged her parents to be emancipated. They refused. Alice moved out again- this time to a place where her parents knew the family and let her live there for as long as she desired.

Alice was unable to save her brothers. She was at a breaking point mentally and her need to escape and escape successfully became her top priority. She could only tolerate being in the family home if she was drugged. She stopped thinking about saving her brothers completely. But they didn’t. Alice still feels shame for escaping and leaving them there, even though she took the brunt of the abuse by a long shot.

During her teenage years, Alice tried everything to escape the abuse. She spent more time living in other homes and shelters than she spent at her family home. Alice recognized eventually that it wasn’t her fault- that there was something wrong with her mother for abusing her. Once she had accepted this- she spent her last year at the family home preparing for college as her parents had offered to pay tuition. She lived at the family home for about a year and moved out as soon as she was accepted into the university at age 17.

Alice had thought that twenty plus years on, she had moved past her frightening childhood. But when she took the attachment style test- she found that she still harbored an intense fear of loving anyone. Alice still remembers trying to tell her mother how much it hurt her to be told she was worthless and how that didn’t change anything for her mother.

Alice found that her parents were impressed were her intelligence. Not impressed enough to attend her graduation ceremony from high school- which she graduated with honors. She immersed herself in academia, double majoring, being in the honors program and graduating magma cum laude.

Where was her father during all this? Alice didn’t know.

Alice became successful. She was a well paid, well respected nurse. She thought she had left the past behind her. Unfortunately, Alice faced tribulations as a single mother that left her ripe for abuse. She became involved in two extremely abusive romantic relationships in a row and following that, Alice had given up on love. She was again terrified of people.

Alice’s attachment style is “fearful avoidant” meaning that she wants to love and be loved but also she is so scared of it that she chooses unavailable partners and scares away ones that she may have a future with. And now, not only is Alice protecting herself, but also her two children. She is hellbent that her children not suffer the way she did. In fact, that’s why she wanted children- to give them the love she never got.

Leif grew up in a household where his father dominated. His father was always right, everything was about him and emotions were discouraged. Leif learned that if he expressed “negative emotions” there would be trouble. So Leif learned to bottle his emotions.

Like Alice, he has a hard time trusting but for different reasons. He feels like he may be taken advantage of and thus considers himself absolutely independent and does not want to lose control over his feelings or behavior. He avoids conflict and feelings and needs a lot of space to maintain his identity. Alice doesn’t need as much space, but she fears being hurt again. So she is afraid to let anyone in.

How these two managed to get together and stay together remains a mystery. Leif has refused to let Alice sabotage and Alice has refused to let Leif off the hook when he avoids her feelings. It seems that they love each other. They both know they have work to do but Alice’s pessimism has already threatened her faith in Leif’s willingness to address his past. She wants to believe him but she is afraid to get her hopes up.

Leif has expressed desire to help- both himself and their relationship. Alice has a lot to overcome but is starting to work on it.

To be continued…

Continue reading “Alice and Lief Confronting Their Pasts”