Custody Battle with Sociopath Trauma

Gotta get something off my mind. It’s not technically political but when you think about it- what isn’t political in some way?

We all go through personal tragedies in our lives. It’s part of life. Some tragedies are harder to move on from and take longer.

Before a couple years ago, I was in self isolation basically due to a the worst trauma I had ever experienced in my life. You all know how much I love to write, but for years, I couldn’t even write about it- it was so painful.

It took the sudden death of a close friend combined with the tyranny of Walz and Co. to shake me out from under my rock if not living life to the fullest. I was just existing after the trauma and not really living.

Well, some trauma goes unresolved for some reason or another and unfortunately becomes something that has to be dealt with again.

They say “time heals all wounds” but that’s not possible if you’re still bleeding or if the scab is still there.

I find myself now unable to sleep, racked with anxiety over the fact that I will have to relive the trauma and face it again. I have to. I have been put in a position where I don’t have another choice.

I find myself dragging my feet. Distracting myself from addressing it. Needing more and more time to “relax” by doing mindless things like window shop or look at furniture that I won’t buy for months probably.

That’s why I’m up at 2 AM and that’s why I only slept a few hours last night. There is no amount of anxiety medication or baths sometimes. Sometimes one just has to remember that this shit won’t last forever and that I’m stronger now than I was then in many ways. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can almost see it.

I can’t be specific about what is going on because somebody who participated in that trauma could be watching me. He has before.

So I’m trying to relax and breathe and all that and keep trying to get some sleep. But if you’ve noticed my detachment, this is probably the biggest part of it right now. I expect this to be the last showdown between myself and the other person, so I don’t expect this to last forever, but there are pressing issues that need to be addressed, like yesterday and I’m dragging my heels because it’s like touching a hot stove on purpose.

That’s just me venting.

If you read this, thanks. I know I should really just keep a journal.

Published by kristinatehrani

Born a first generation American, half Irish Catholic and half Persian Jew, I like to write about a childhood mired in the chaos of never knowing where I stood. The only constants in my life have been reading, writing and a passion for social justice. I am a nurse, a single mother, a domestic abuse survivor, radical feminist and outspoken advocate for logic, public health, gray areas, and purposeful dialogue. I know entirely too much about sociopaths, autism, and medieval British history. I write under a pen name to protect the privacy of my family.

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